(Contributed By Robert VanDyke)

Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was.

Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching
the two react, Mrs Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian
and Stephanie than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian"

Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read: Dear son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed ... she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

LESSON OF THE DAY.........NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

"That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?"

"Just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!"

"That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Just a lucky guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!"

(Contributed By Robert VanDyke)

The Tennessee Volunteers' football practice was delayed on Thursday for nearly two hours in Knoxville. One of the players, while on his way to the locker room happened to look down and notice a suspicious-looking, unknown white powdery substance on the field at Neyland Stadium..

Head Coach Fulmer immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate.

After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the Goal Line.

Practice was resumed when FBI Special Agents decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

(Contributed By Pat Good)

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills us

(Contributed By Gerry Ducie)

A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was a nervous wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy.

"Oh My God.... I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," the second answered. "They've got race riots, drugs. The highest crime rate....."

"Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life, and it's not bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said "Oh, thank God. I was worried to death, but if you live there, and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What sort of work do you do?"

"Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a beer truck."

(Contributed By Bonita Mitchell)

Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Porsche, fully loaded."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business.

The first man mentioned, "we are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and he dances in a gay bar."

The other three men grew silent as he continued. "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well.

His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Porsche, and a stock portfolio."

(Contributed By Rick Varney)

Teams of Archaeologists were working in Jerusalem, when they found a slab of rock with Five Figures carved on it.

In order, the figures were:

Woman     Donkey     Shovel     Fish     Star-Of-David

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old, but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time.

1.  The Woman, being placed first in the line of figures, indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture.

2.  The Donkey indicated that they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields.

3.  The Shovel shows they were highly intelligent, as they knew how to make tools.

4.  The Fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.

5.  The Star of David, of course, indicates they were a very religious group of people.

A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged, he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions, but you were reading it Left-to-Right."

"In Hebrew, we read from Right-to-Left.  That way it reads:

Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Woman!"

(Contributed By Pat Good)

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?  A: Both of them.

Q: Why did the man cross the road?  A: He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?  A: They won't stop and ask for directions.

Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?  A: He buys two cases of beer.

Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds?  A: The bonds eventually will mature.

Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?  A: So men can remember them.

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?   A: We don't know. It has never happened.

Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?  A: They all already have boyfriends.

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?  A: A widow.

Q: Why are married women usually heavier than single women?  A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups?  A: Tape the remote control between his toes.

Q: What did God say after creating man?  A: "I must be able to do better than THAT!"

Q: What did God say after creating Eve?  A: "Practice makes perfect".

Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?  A: They're all married.

"p..e..n.i..s".

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

*** PASSWORD REJECTED - NOT LONG ENOUGH ***

(Contributed By Deborah "Sam" Hassinger)

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why ARE Trix only for kids?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

(Contributed By Gloria Franks)

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

The other night I ate at a really nice family restaurant.
Every table had an argument going.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder in the car these days no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to?

According to a recent survey, men say that the first thing they notice about a woman are her eyes.
And women say that the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather...
It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars,
and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

I'm not 50-something.
I'm $49.95, plus shipping and handling.

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world IS weird and people take Prozac to make it seem normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.
I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says,
"I wish you'd have come to me sooner."

You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years.  Now, compare that to Blockbuster; if you are two days late with a video, those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.

(Contributed By Gloria Franks)

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

November 22, 2002

How To Sleep With Someone Who Snores!

By the time Chuck pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled into the very last hotel and went into the office.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning Chuck came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Chuck.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Chuck explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, "Goodnight, Beautiful," and he sat up all night watching me."

November 23, 2002

So You Always Thought Green Snakes Were OK?

(Contributed By Johnny Pirkle)

Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to
see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.

Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth. She slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog. Startled, the dog jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.

Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.

Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.

About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

She shot him.

November 25, 2002

Don't Look Up While Eating !

(Contributed By Carole Smith)

A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.  She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.  "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man.

"You're lying on the dining room skylight."

November 26, 2002

Benefits of sex!!!!!!!!!!!

(Contributed By Deborah "Sam" Hassinger)

You've gotta read this. It's hilarious!
Be sure to read the warning at the bottom.

Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is
sexually active or not?

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women
make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair
shine and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering
dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and
makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that
romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and
tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than
swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into

the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with
a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually
active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones.
These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE
EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages
saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that
causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release
the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural
antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

November 27, 2002

(Contributed by James Daniel Clark)

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and it will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional.  I got all four wrong.  But the real trick is to stop laughing.  Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.
 

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is:

Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. 

** This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
 

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?" (Wrong Answer)

Correct Answer:

Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

** This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
 

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend  except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer:

The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.

** This tests your memory. 

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
 

4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles.  How do you manage it?

Correct Answer:

You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.

** This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
 

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers.

Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

November 28, 2002

(Contributed By Robert VanDyke)

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older (but refuse to grow up) here's what I've discovered....

ONE - I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

TWO - My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

THREE - I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

FOUR - Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

FIVE - All reports are in, life is now officially unfair.

SIX - If all is not lost, where is it?

SEVEN - It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

EIGHT - Some days you are the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

NINE - I wish the buck stopped here, I sure could use a few.

TEN - Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

ELEVEN - Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

TWELVE - It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.

THIRTEEN - The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

FOURTEEN - If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

FIFTEEN - When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

SIXTEEN - It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

SEVENTEEN - The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

EIGHTEEN - These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.

...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

NINETEEN - I cannot remember if I sent this to The Dude before.

TWENTY - Did I send it this time.

November 29, 2002

Twas The Night After Thanksgiving

(Contributed By Deborah "Sam" Hassinger)

'Twas the night after Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned - the dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation,
The thought of a snack became infatuation.

So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
And gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
'Til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.

I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky,
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees....
Happy eating to all, pass the cranberries, please.

May your stuffing be tasty, your turkey be plump.
Your potatoes 'n gravy have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious, your pies take the prize.
May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs.

November 30, 2002

Things You Can Only Say at Thanksgiving and get away with!

(Contributed By Gerry Ducie)

 1. Talk about a huge breast!

   2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

   3. It's Cool Whip time!

   4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

   5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!

   6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

   7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

   8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

   9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

  10. Don't play with your meat.

  11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

  12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

  13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

  14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

  15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

  16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

  17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

  18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

  19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?