Florida Dude - Joke of the Day

For all those Men who believe that there's no reason to buy the cow when you can get the milk free. . .

Nowadays 80% of Women are against marriage, as they have wised up to the fact that for 8 oz. of sausage. . .

(Contributed by Annie Suggart)

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she had left her previous employment, she replied, "Yes, sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. Last night they played a game called Bridge and a lot of folks were there.

As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, "Lay down and let's see what you've got." Another man said, "I've got strength but no length." Another man says to the lady, "Take your hand off my trick!"

"I pretty well dropped dead just then, when the lady answered, "You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise." Another lady was talking about protecting her honor, Another lady said, "Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine."

"Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn't say, "Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last rubber."

(Contributed by Ellen Butler)

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

6. It's okay when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

Federal Aviation Agency
800 Independence Avenue, SW
Washington, DC 20591

Dear Sirs;

I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings and at the same time getting our airline industry back on its feet.

Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women, we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers. Muslims would be afraid to get on planes for fear of seeing a naked woman and, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hopes of seeing a naked woman. We would have no more hijackings and the airline
industry would have record sales.

Now why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to solve all these problems?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 72 years old, how do you honestly feel?''

''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.''

Two cannibals were walking through the jungle talking, when one mentioned that he had a belly ache.

The other cannibal asked, "Well, did you eat anything out of the ordinary lately?"

The second cannibal asked, "Was he tall, thin, and wearing a black robe with a white collar?"

"Aha!" exclaimed the second, "There's your problem!" "You shouldn't have boiled him. . .that was a Friar!" (Did you see that coming? The Dude)

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee.

Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.

She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "I'll have two regular, two black, and two decaf."

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opened the window, snapped the antenna off his van and proceeded to whip the girl until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?" The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring....."

Here comes the punch-line....

"You've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind the bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, everyone kept screaming: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!

Letter from a Christmas Valley, Oregon farm kid in basic training at the San Diego Marine Corps Recruit Depot.

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 A.M., but I am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food.

But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, Gail

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life"?

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'

(Contributed by Jim Clark)

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead...

Michael was a clerk in a small drug store, but was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Rick, the owner, had about enough and warned Michael that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then. . .a man came in coughing and he asked Michael for the best cough syrup. Try as he might. . .Michael could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Rick's warning. . .he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told he to take it all at once. The customer did as Michael said, and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

"He wanted something for his cough. . .but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," Michael explained.

"Sure it will," Michael said. . .pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him! He's scared to death to cough!"

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000.00 on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!!!

(Contributed by Marvin Justice)

Q: What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?

(Contributed by Dennis King)

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed his Redneck friend Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

(Contributed by Army Lt. William Anderson)

George Bush is so stupid, he went to a concert and waved to Stevie Wonder.

(Contributed by Barry Clemmets)

There was a guy who worked for Blockbuster video. He found it to be a great but complicated job.

One day he was at the register and a older man came in and asked if he could buy a phone card. So the guy gave him a card, and he wrote him a check for $39.80. He then told him that it was 20 cents short, so he gave him 2 dimes.

Unfortunitely, when he typed this into the computer, he missed the period on the keyboard and it came up as 20 dollars.

That night, the manager said that he was $19.80 short. The manager thought the guy had stolen it, so he fired him immediately.

And the moral to this story is:

Coffee (N): a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted (Adj): appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (V): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (V): to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (Adj): impotent.

Negligent (Adj): describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph (V): to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (N): an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (N): the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (N): a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (N): a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (N): the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (N): a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent (N): the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Frisbeetarianism (N): the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Pokemon (N): a Jamaican proctologist.

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

"That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers,

"My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

(Contributed by Shirley Smith)

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."