Florida Dude - Joke of the Day

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.

The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.

She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.

The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

My four year old and I were discussing holidays, and I asked him, "What is the day which comes after Halloween when you have turkey?"

My husband quickly answered, "Election day."

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even
a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good
point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall, and wailing, "We forgot the "R", we forgot the "R" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,

"The word was 'celebrate'."

As we now know, Dr. Atkins was 258 lbs. at the time of his death, an obese weight for a man 6' tall. For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

A couple (Mary and Fred) made a deal that whoever died first would comeback and inform the other of the afterlife Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After reaching a ripe old age...the husband was the first to go and true to his word, he made contact,

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh Fred, you must surely be in Heaven!"

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.

Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering near 40) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions.

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedo's and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short shorts and varicose veins

12. Inline skates and a walker

And last, but not least . . . my personal favorite:

13. Thongs and Depends

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded,

"Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and she's next. Remember, Union Rules, are Union Rules!"

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

The blonde guy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

10. You're sure to get at least one of your favorite dishes.

9. The turkey never suffers from modesty.

8. You can nibble before dinner even if mom sees you.

7. You are expected to pass the dishes around.

6. There are always at least two kinds of desert, with or without whipped cream.

5. They give you the day off WITH pay to have dinner.

4. Thanksgiving dinner is a "sure" thing.

3. Seconds are encouraged. Take home, too!!

2. You're expected to fall asleep after dinner.

And the number 1 reason why Thanksgiving dinner is better than sex:

1. You are EXPECTED to watch football BEFORE and AFTER dinner.

During our ground-school training, the Jump Master at Ft. Bragg would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.

One GI asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"

Our Jump Master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think
of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

FEMALE PRAYER:

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end, and always be my very best friend.

Amen.

*****************************************

MALE PRAYER:

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.

Amen.

"So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Momma Bear who got up first,
it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house,
it was Momma Bear who made the coffee,
it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away.

It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper,
it was Momma Bear who set the damn table,
it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, because I'm only going to say this one more time:

I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET!!"

A guy is driving around and sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks

"Yep," the Lab replies

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten bucks."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator, Alan Pinkerton, for protection. That was the beginning of the Secret Service.

Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, ATF, etc.

Now comes the Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service. Can't you see them now? These highly trained men and women in their black outfits with initials in large white letters across their backs?

Mom and Dad got together in a chat room. Dad set up a date with your mom and we met at a cybercafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.

Since it was too late to hit the delete button nine months later the blessed little virus appeared. And Son, that's the story.

(Contributed By Rick Varney)

Teams of Archaeologists were working in Jerusalem, when they found a slab of rock with Five Figures carved on it.

In order, the figures were:

Woman

Star-Of-David

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old, but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time.

1. The Woman, being placed first in the line of figures, indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture.

2. The Donkey indicated that they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields.

3. The Shovel shows they were highly intelligent, as they knew how to make tools.

4. The Fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.

5. The Star of David, of course, indicates they were a very religious group of people.

A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged, he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions, but you were reading it Left-to-Right."

"In Hebrew, we read from Right-to-Left.

That way it reads: Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Woman!"

An obnoxious drunk in a bar keeps hitting on an a lesbian waiting for her date. The drunk just won't take no for an answer.

"Tell you what, I'll sleep with you if you can name one thing a man can do for me that my vibrator can't!" the lesbian smirks.

The obnoxious drunk thinks for a moment. "Okay, let's see your vibrator buy the next round of drinks!"

"A doctor?"

"And why's that?"

"Because it's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill."

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with an Avon Pine-Scented deodorizer. Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to sniff, and the Avon lady asked,

"Do you smell something?"

"Well, yes I do," he replied.

"What does it smell like? "she asked,

The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit under a Christmas tree."

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone.

After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

"I don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

(Contributed by Tom Cronk)

A crusty old Army Colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance. One of them approached the Colonel for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said: "You know, you should lighten up a little... relax and enjoy yourself."

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

She said, "well there you go, you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously... I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The Colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know... It's only 2130 now."

Two boys are playing football at this park in a small town in Alabama when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes a stick and shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, thus saving his friend.

A local sports reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. He tells the boy he's going to write the story and says, "I'll title it "Young Bama Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal."

"But I'm not a Bama fan," the little hero replies.

The reporter asks "how does Auburn Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack ' sound "

"I'm not an Auburn fan either," the boy says.

"Oh, I thought everyone in Alabama was either for the Tide or the War Eagles. What team do you root for?" , the reporter asks.

"I'm just visiting my cousin, I'm a Tennessee Vols fan," said the boy.

The reporter smiles, starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little Redneck Bastard From Tennessee Kills Beloved Family Pet".

(Contributed by 2 Lt. Thomas Kline)

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit droppings. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''

''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.

So he ate them and said, ''These taste like shit.''

''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're already getting smarter.''

(Contributed by Rick McDonald)

A blonde was having sharp pains in her side. The doctor examined her and said, ''You have acute appendicitis.''

The blond yelled at the doctor, ''I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!!''

(Contributed by Tom Hamilton)

What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful?