Retirement Planning

Sexy Grandma

(Contributed by Betty Blackburn)

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting and for $5, I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word. The old man continued, "For $10, I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there. But for $20, I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple of minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Get serious" she said, "four times in the rocker."
 

The Delicacy

(Contributed by Tom Cronk)

A Texas cowboy stopped at a restaurant in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so very sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the cowboy placed his order, and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,

"Si senor, sometimes the bull wins."
 

Expansion Question

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Molly stood up angrily, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!"

She sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again. "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore Molly and asked the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Jimmy." Then she turned to Molly and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: First, you have a dirty mind. Second, you didn't read your homework. And third, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed!!!"
 

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his
hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Davie asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom..."

Imagination

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

A golfer went to see his doctor. He was suffering from major stress syndrome. The doctor asked him if he played golf, to which the golfer replied, "I play at it, it's a very frustrating game, but I love it".

The doctor told him that the next time he played, he should use an imaginary ball. The golfer was a little embarrassed, but he decided to give it a try.

The first golfer explained that his doctor had told him to play a round of golf with an imaginary ball to relieve his stress, and it was working. Well, of course, the second golfer said he had stress and asked if it would be all right to play with an imaginary ball also. The first golfer said, "Sure!".

They now approach the 18th hole, short par 4, and both men are tied to this point in their round. The second golfer teed his imaginary ball, took a stroke, and started jumping up and down shouting, "Ace! I win!"

The first golfer only turned to him, smiled, and said, "No, I won..... That was my ball."

Election Day Humor

(Contributed by The Florida Dude)

Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote. ~ George Jean Nathan

There are always too many Democratic congressmen, too many Republican congressmen, and never enough U.S. congressmen. ~Author Unknown

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right? ~ Robert Orben

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~Author Unknown

Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least. ~ Robert Byrne

People often say that, in a democracy, decisions are made by a majority of the people. Of course, that is not true. Decisions are made by a majority of those who make themselves heard and who vote - a very different thing. ~ Walter H. Judd

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~ Jay Leno

The problem with political jokes, is they usually get elected. ~ Florida Dude
 

The Truth Comes Out

(Contributed by Bob Bluhm)

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 O'clock in the morning, A resounding
noise came form outside...

The woman, sort of bewildered, Jumps up from the bed and yells at the man "Shit!, that must be my husband!"

So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, Smashed
himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, Then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.

Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman "I'm your husband, you slut!!!"

So the woman answers:- "Oh, yeah?!! And why were you running?!! You SOB!!!"
 

The Theory

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Few remember that the brilliant Mathematician and Nobel Prize winner, Albert Einstein, married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, following the dissolution of his first marriage in 1919.

He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed.

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.

This has become known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.
 

The Blessing

(Contributed by Chuck Gardner)

A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the woman answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
 

How Many Did You Catch

(Contributed by The Florida Dude)

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lillies.

"Tch Tch!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."

So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood up, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

Maude & Claude

(Contributed by Bob Bluhm)

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived on Vilano Beach, in Florida. They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose."

Are They?

(Contributed by Dave Ketler)

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-hour surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask.

"Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

*Are - my - test - results - back?"
 

Grandma With An Attitude

(Contributed by Harvey Johnson)

Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation.

By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress - especially, the mattress.

Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord.

"What's that?" she demanded with great suspicion, suspecting it might be one of those high tech items the city folks talked about.

"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button."

"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.

"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied.

"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."
 

Two Blonde Jokes

(Contributed by Debbie Hassinger)

 There was a power outage at the Mall, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.
 

***********************

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it's her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
 

First Timer

(Contributed by Betty Blackburn)

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who
has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.

They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she
returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room
piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."
 

Don't Trust Little Old Ladies

(Contributed by Michael Isam)

A young man shopping in a supermarket Noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy."  She then went through the checkout, And as she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom." The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him .

Pleased that he had brought A little sunshine into someone's day, He went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her things, too."

Moral Of The Story: Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!
 

You Must Be...

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They got along so well they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says, "Yes, how did you figure that out?"

"Easy", she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love. After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a very good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Well, yes, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"
 

Walkin Off The Job

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

Tim asked Dabner, "How is your new job at the factory?"

"I'm not going back there," said Dabner

"Why not?" asked Tim.

"Many reasons," answered Dabner. "The sloppiness, the shoddy workmanship, the awful language...they just couldn't put up with it."

Make Up Your Mind

(Contributed by Robert Luft)

I was in my back yard today, trying to fly a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind caught it for a few seconds, then it came crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife is watching me from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opened the window and yelled to me, "You need a piece of tail."

I turned with a confused look on my face and said to her, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

(Contributed by Dave Ketler)

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Texas.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense!!

Deputy says," License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving sh**t out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
 

Two Aspirins

(Contributed by Buck Mahan)

A guy is out with his buddies. He has a few drinks, gets in the mood but true to his wife goes home.

When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open. Gets two aspirin and drops
them in her mouth.

Of course she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth?"

He says, "Two aspirins."

She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"

He says, "Now that's what I wanted to hear."
 

The Good Napkins

(Contributed by Dave Ketler)

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake).

Now fast forward a few months....It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

"But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!"
 

The Poker Game

(Contributed by Cecil Turner)

A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"
 

Teen Amish

(Contributed by Florida Dude)

Top ten signs your Amish teen is in trouble...

10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 a.m.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "KISS" makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh."

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."

4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.

3. Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese.

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
 

Logic Class

(Contributed by The Florida Dudette)

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a
yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."
 

(Contributed by Betty Blackburn)

Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the girls, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it figured maybe he had a cold or some such. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so Sam became worried.

Since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had past and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day Sam approached the park and lo and behold there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you???"

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail???" cried Sam!! "What in the world for???"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"

"Yeah" said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well. She had me arrested for rape and I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."
 

(Contributed by Bonita Sullivan)

A guy in Florida bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those new sports cars."

"She did," he replied, "but where the hell was I going to find a fake convertible?"
 

(Contributed by Bob Bluhm)

Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand, pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee. The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
 

(Contributed by Harry Weaver)

10. "How I Met Your Brother"

9. "Gary's Anatomy"

8. "Desperate Poolboys"

7. "Everybody Loves Raymond...Especially Steve"

6. "The King Of Queens"

5. "Not-So-Smallville"

4. "I Dream Of Gene"

3. "Gays Of Our Lives"

2. "Paul and Order"

1. "His Deal Or No Deal"