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November 2007
November 1,
2007
Ham Sandwich With Mustard
(Contributed by Janet Johnson)
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp
lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my
jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard,
picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife who suddenly appeared
at my side.
"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for
the ham sandwich, when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was NOT mustard!
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have
sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the
sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"
November
2,
2007
Irish Joke
(Contributed by Bryan "Buck" Mahan)
Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in
the shadows.
November
3,
2007
Top Secret
(Contributed by Dona Kozel)
November
4,
2007
Sales Help
(Contributed by Cheryl Madison)
November
5,
2007
You'll Be Fine
(Contributed by Perry Woods)
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an
operation. She was awake, so he examined her.
November
6,
2007
Name That Bird
(Contributed by Jane Britton)
November
7,
2007
Kids Are So Accurate And Honest Too
(Contributed by Jack Shuler)
A first grade teacher explained to her class that she was
a liberal Democrat. She then asked her students to raise their hands if they
were liberal Democrats, too.
November
8,
2007
Got Gas?
(Contributed by Jake Banks)
November
9,
2007
Social Security Sex
(Contributed by John Maples)
November 10,
2007
Four Things
(Contributed by Leonard Belcher)
November 11,
2007
Ed and Maude
(Contributed by Tom Cronk)
A Week after their marriage, the redneck newlyweds, Ed and
Maude paid a visit to their doctor.
November 12,
2007
The Will To Live
(Contributed by Jon Bell)
November 13,
2007
Expensive Barbie
(Contributed by Denise Tillman)
November 14,
2007
Dog Food
(Contributed by Cecilia Johnson)
November 15,
2007
The Christmas Gift
(Contributed by Cecil Thomason)
November 16,
2007
A Tragic Story
(Contributed by Perry Woods)
A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of Viagra
but his request was denied."Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked
November 17,
2007
New Household Cleaner
(Contributed by Lewis Pullium)
November 18,
2007
The Robbery
(Contributed by Damon Baker)
November 19,
2007
What's The Trick?
(Contributed by Jim Clark)
November 20,
2007
Feeling Guilty
(Contributed by Perry Woods)
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of
golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the
second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his
cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a
terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the
doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as
possible.
November 21,
2007
Christmas Shopping
(Contributed by Gerry Jones)
A lady walks into a Tiffany’s. She browses around, spots a
beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.
November 22,
2007 The Pregnant Turkey
(Contributed by Gloria Sartin) Last year at Thanksgiving, my mom went
to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister
is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something
from the store.
November 23,
2007
CATastrophe
(Contributed by Perry Woods)
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter
how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.
November 24,
2007
Bad Dream
(Contributed by Kerry Pardue)
Last night I had a nightmare. A really bad one.
November 25,
2007
Insurance
(Contributed by Toni Hathaway)
November 26,
2007
Float Your Boat
(Contributed by The Florida Dude)
The guy leered at the babe at the Vilano Beach Yacht Club,
"Hey, baby, would you help me 'raise my mast'?"
November 27,
2007
Denomination
(Contributed by Betty Blackburn)
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her
Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give
me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."
November 28,
2007
Like Father - Like Son
(Contributed by Julia VanDyke)
November 29,
2007
Skydiving
(Contributed by Sgt. Troy Britton)
November 30,
2007
Dog In The Back Seat
(Contributed by Officer Pat Delafield)
"Twenty quid " she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its only
twenty quid.
So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a couple of minutes when
all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," Paddy answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," Paddy says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her face.
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super- secret base in
Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised
to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the
aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the
Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI
background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and
wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying
"you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of
his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading,
and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up
again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two
people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is
in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the
attractive salesgirl. "But I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Why yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some lingerie."
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again
doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that
after having their tonsils taken out."
Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds.
The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying.
He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and
forward. Joe was ready.
The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front
row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a
sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the
professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at
its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.
Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He
started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now
he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation,
the angrier he got.
Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's
desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous
test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these
birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever
seen!"
With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit
shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was
about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man,
what's your name?"
Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You
tell me!"
Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to please their
teacher, hands exploded into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the
crowd.
The teacher asked Lucy why she decided to be different.
"Because I'm not a liberal Democrat," Lucy said.
The teacher asked, "Then what are you?"
"I'm a proud conservative Republican" said the little girl.
The teacher, a little perturbed & red-faced, asked Lucy why she was a
conservative Republican?
Lucy proclaimed, "Well, I was brought up to trust in myself and freedom, instead
of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking.
My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican
too."
The teacher calmly pointed out, "That's no reason. What if your Mom and Dad were
both morons? What would you be then?"
Lucy answered, "Then, I'd be a liberal Democrat."
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with
gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much. They never smell and are always
silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here
in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are
silent."
The doctor says, "I see. Here's a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day
for seven days and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the
hell you gave me, but now my farts ... although still silent... stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's start
working on your hearing."
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
What do a Hurricane, a Tornado, a Fire and a Divorce have in common?
They are four ways you can lose your house!
"You ain't gonna believe this, Doc," said the husband. "My thingy's turnin '
blue."
"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you.
"The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the redneck's "thingy" really was blue.
The doctor turns to the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed for
you?"
"Yep, shore am," she replied brightly.
"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"
"Grape," she said.
A man went to his lawyer and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know
exactly how to go about it."
The lawyer says "No problem, leave it all to me".
The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest
slice, but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!
A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized that it
was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't yet bought her a gift.
So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, "How
much is that Barbie in the window?"
The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie
Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes
Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes
Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorce Barbie for $265.00."
The overwhelmed man asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the
others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious!" said the sales clerk. "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house,
Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."
I have 2 large dogs, and was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in
line to check out. The woman behind me asked if I had a dog? Duh? On impulse, I
told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably
shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time. But I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most
of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is
to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again. I have to
mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story,
particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me? I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my ass and a
car hit me.
I thought the guy standing behind her was going to need help as he staggered to
the door laughing.
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive
vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where in the world was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"
"It's not safe," the doctor replied."But I need it really bad," the man
explained. "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, one of my exes will be
here onSaturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday."
"Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented."But you have to come in on
Monday morning so that I can check to see ifthere are any side effects."
On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's office with his right arm in
a sling.The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up."
Did you hear about the new household cleaner just put on the market?
It's called "Bachelor."
Why?
Because it works fast, and leaves no ring.
Two friends, Jim and Joe are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the
customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.
While this is going on, Jim slips something into Joe's hand. Without looking
down, Joe whispers, "What is this?"
Jim replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had
broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever
round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the
hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a
personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his
previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant. Then he remembered his
wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and
asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You
went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! 'I hope you're proud of
yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the
country club your wife has been anguishing in the ICU! It's just as well you
went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your
last!' 'For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And
you'll be her care giver!' The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and
sobbed.
The doctor snickered and said, 'Just kidding. She's dead. What'd you shoot?
As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very
embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little
accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a a nattily
dressed, overindulgent looking salesman standing right behind her.
Crisp as a cucumber and displaying an ultra effete presence, the salesman greets
the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at
the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this
lovely bracelet?'
Responding in a very patronizing manner he answers, 'Madam, if you farted just
looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price.'
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the
stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed
the turkey. She then placed the bird back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and
proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she
reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, 'Patricia, you've
cooked a pregnant bird!'
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the
family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!!!
On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too
humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I
would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to
explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a
cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning
I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me
from the kitchen. "Ed! The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."
"You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter).
"Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause)
"C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how
her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my
head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember
performing.
It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a
hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty,
clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had
been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.
At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I
unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising
upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging
from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or
flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.
Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact
knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully
briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work
while suppressing hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent,
claiming it was too painful to talk about. "What's the matter, cat got
your tongue?" If they only knew!
It was a terrible nightmare, the most horrible one you could imagine. In the
nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the
ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised! Quickly I
jumped up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver license
photo - and it was that same color. Black. No, no, God no, it can't be!! I felt
myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair. But it's a
wheelchair!!
That means, of course, besides being black and Jewish, I'm also disabled!!! I
said to myself, aloud "This is impossible. It's impossible that I should be
black and Jewish and disabled. "It's the pure and holy truth", whispers someone
from behind me. I turn around, and it's my Boyfriend. Just what I needed!!! I am
a homosexual %$^%$ and on top of that with a Mexican boyfriend. @#$%^#$$ Oh, my
God..... Black, Jewish, disabled, gay, with a Mexican boyfriend, drug addict,
and HIV-positive!!!
Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and OH, noooooo... I'm Bald!!!
The telephone rings. It's my brother. He is saying, "Since mom and dad died the
only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and laze around all day doing
nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of crap.. Any job." Mom?... Dad?...
Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan!
I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black,
Jewish, disabled, gay with a Mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV-positive,
bald, and an orphan. But he doesn't get it. Frustrated, I hang up. It's then I
realize I only have one hand!!! With tears in my eyes I go to the window to look
out. I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is
trash everywhere ..
Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker....Pacemaker? Besides being
black, Jewish, disabled, a fairy with a Mexican boyfriend, a drug addict,
HIV-positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a
bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood.
At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, "Sweetiepie, my
love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided who are you going to vote for
next November? Hillary or Obama?"
Sonofagun! Say it isn't so!!! I can handle being a black disabled one armed drug
addicted Jewish queer on a Pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned,
unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a Mexican boyfriend, but please don't tell
me I'm a Democrat too !!!!
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.
Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand
and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work
quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you
with a new one of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy
on my husband."
"No thanks," she said sweetly. "I heard about you from your ex, and she included
a 'small craft' warning."
Joey's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Joey seems to be a very
bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about sex and girls."
The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I
have the same problem with his Father."
The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with
his new students when one of them asked the usual question always asked: "If our
main chute doesn't open; and the reserve chute doesn't open, how long would we
have till we hit the ground?"
The jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your
life."
It was the end of the day when I parked my police car in front of the station.
As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a
little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got in the back seat there?" he asked. "It sure is," I
replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the car. Finally he
said, "What'd he do?"
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