(Contributed By Arnold Keepers)

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?"

The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.

The man then said, "Call for my lawyer."

When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes.

When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind.

The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I'd check out the same way."

(Contributed By Sandra Jenigen)

(Contributed By Johnny Pirkle)

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns
to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I
think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop
playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it
seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and
call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him.
Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or
farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice."

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and
call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his
voice." Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for
money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like to
play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

(Contributed by Roger Bertholf)

Q. What's the difference between the Tennessee Titans and the Taliban?

A. The Taliban has a running game.

Q. What do the Tennessee Titans and Billy Graham have in common?

A. They both can make 60,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ."

Q. How do you keep a Tennessee Titan player out of your yard?

A. Put up goal posts.

Q. Where do you go in Nashville in case of a tornado?

A. Adelipha Stadium - they never get a touchdown there.

Q. Why doesn't Memphis have a professional football team?

A. Because then Nashville would want one.

Q. Why was Jeff Fisher upset when the Titans playbook was stolen?

A. Because he hadn't finished coloring it.

Q. What's the difference between the Titans and a dollar bill?

A. You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q. What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the SuperBowl?

A. The Tennessee Titans.

Q. What do the Tennessee Titans and possums have in common?

A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection. The light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred!  Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us."

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Shit!  Am I driving?"

(Contributed by Deborah "Sam" Hassinger)

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. 

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as GOLF 5.0 and PREMIERSHIP 3.0.

And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try entering the command C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.  If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.Wav files.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or re-install another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Good luck.

Tech Support

October 14, 2002

A Tender Marital Moment

(Contributed By Ellen Sutherland-Butler)

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I WOULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT TODAY.

(Contributed By Gloria Franks)

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish­washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my Bull Dog; he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under Any circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business.

The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

(Contributed by Deborah "Sam" Hassinger)

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.

When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

(Contributed By Andre' D'Elena)

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancée's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancée' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?

(Contributed By Lory Lawrence)

Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?

A: Yeah, you know, "Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

(Contributed By Johnny Pirkle)

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, pay the bills and balance the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1:00 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 p.m. he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9:00 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

(Contributed By Valeria Gibson)

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can do all these things,
Then you are probably the family dog.

(Contributed By Andre' D'Elena)

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor-Texas Style".

The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville.

They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo.

From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth, and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, George Strait Sucks, Hillary in 2004, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!"

The first one that makes it back to Dallas alive, wins.

(Contributed By Renee Paquin)

20. MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno

19. HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver

18. MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino

17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by HILLARY CLINTON

16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan

15. THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates

14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman

13. MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore

12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

10. DETROIT a Travel Guide

9. A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by DR J. Kevorkian

8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

6. ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes

5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA

3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson

And the world's Number One Thinnest Book ......

1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton/with introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson

(Contributed By Bob Yearwood, Sr.)

A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit an old Rabbi. He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old Rabbi, so he says, "Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?" The Rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle."

The kid says "And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?"

The Rabbi says, "We send them to the matzoh ball factory, and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzoh balls."

The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?"

The Rabbi says, "We send them to the IRS and every once in a while they send us a little prick like you."

(Contributed By Jay Wilson)

Shortly after President George W. Bush took office, an old man approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer President and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer President and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton; I've told you already that Mr. Clinton is no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."

(Contributed By Gerry Ducie)

A man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and decided to stay put.

Suddenly, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "Hey, what the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I believe I just beat the s_ _t out of a ghost!"

Happy Halloween