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October 2004

October 1, 2004

Instructions

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them!

TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL!  I said be CAREFUL!

You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!

Turn them! Hurry up!

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."
 

October 2, 2004

Florida Warning

(Contributed by The Dude)

The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Florida, following the recent series of hurricanes.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices; such as, little bells on their clothing, to alert, but not startle, the alligators unexpectedly.

They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.

People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.

Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
 

October 3, 2004

Redneck Church

(Contributed by Cecilia Johnson)

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ...  people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and 2 women stand up.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred to as "branding".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... people think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if ... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear"
 

October 4, 2004

Little Daniel

(Contributed by Bob Yearwood, Sr.)

Little Daniel was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up-fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc. Daniel was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and make love with him for money. "

The teacher, obviously shaken by his statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Daniel aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said Daniel, "He works for the Democratic National Committee to elect John Kerry, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids".

October 5, 2004

Driving Home Very Drunk

(Contributed by Donald D'Marco)

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.

The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.

"Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was.

"Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.

"And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.

"Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.

"May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.

Inside the garage was the state troopers car.
 

October 6, 2004

Truck Inspection

(Contributed by Harold Brown)

A young man was walking into town one day when a wood hauler gave him a ride.

After traveling about a mile or two, the truck was stopped by the highway patrol for a weight check and inspection.

The truck inspection revealed the truck had slick tires; no horn; no head, tail or signal lights; no windshield wipers. Also, it was overloaded and had bad brakes.

"Mister," the patrolman said to the driver, "I think the best way to charge you is 'hauling wood without a truck.'"
 

October 7, 2004

Two Blondes

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
 

October 8, 2004

Golf Doc

(Contributed by Annie Shugart)

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm !"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm ?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."

October 9, 2004

Prior Planning - A True Story

(Contributed by The Dude)

Last night, I went to a planning session at my Legion Post and they wanted me to work on the Christmas Nativity Scene committee this year.

I informed them that that would not be a good committee for me to serve on.

They asked why?

I told them, that back in the 90's I was on that committee at another Post and that it got me into trouble.

The chairman asked how I could get into trouble working on a Nativity Scene committee?

I said that told the lady playing Mary, that I liked the donkey she was leading around.

He asked me how that got me into trouble.

I told him, that I actually told her, that I thought she had a good ass!

October 10, 2004

Nairy A Problem

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

My neighbor found her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.

He found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her "If you are going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days".

The lady say, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says, I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer".

The druggist then says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week then".
 

October 11, 2004

The Right Age For Cussing

(Contributed by Richard Martin)

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.

You know what?" says the 6-year-old, "I think it's about time we start cussing."

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say "hell" and you say "ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast.

"Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios!"

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step.

The mom locks him in his room & shouts, "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

October 12, 2004

Honorable Profession

(Contributed by Tom Cronk)

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Madam, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."

The priest replied... "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said.... "Oh, $20,000 a week."

The Priest was amazed... "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession. The priest says. Where does he practice?"

The old lady says proudly...."Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno."
 

October 13, 2004

Lets See What Develops

(Contributed by Buster Sutton)

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you, " Mrs. Smith cut in.

Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of..." gasped Mrs. Smith.

Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," and get this; the photographer said, "And for more than three hours, too."

The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um..equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long.

Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!"
 

October 14, 2004

Best Blonde Joke

(Contributed by Richard Martin)

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HelOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
 

October 15, 2004

Cookies

(Contributed by 2 Lt. Bryan Lynch)

Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

A: 100. One to make the batter and 99 to crack the shells on the M&Ms.
 

October 16, 2004

The Wedding Dress

(Contributed by Tom Cronk)

There was a much married woman who walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Well", replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type of dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said:, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk didn't know quite what to say but she finally said, "Frankly, madam, gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?"

"Well" replied the customer, more than a little put out. "I can assure you that I am as innocent as the rest of them. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as any first time bride."

"You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding he died as we were checking into our hotel .

My second husband and I got into a terrible fight in the limo on our way to the reception and have not spoken since. We had that wedding annulled immediately."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"Well" said the woman, "he was a Democrat, and every night for four years he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be."
 

October 17, 2004

HMOs

(Contributed by Richard Martin)

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

The insurance clerk says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up, and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent at the same time, and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, the situation is either bad or terrible!"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"

"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once in a year, so we can't repeat the test until next year."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off on the outskirts of town .. If she remembers the way home, don't sleep with her!!"
 

October 18, 2004

The Confession

(Contributed by Ton Cronk)

Eddie visits his church to confess. He sits down in the confessional and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I have used foul language, and took the Lord's name in vain."

The priest says, "It's OK son. Tell me what happened."

Eddie says, "Well father, I was golfing with my buddy. We're very competitive. It was the 18th hole and we were tied. His tee shot went straight down the fairway and my tee shot went into the rough."

The priest says, "Oh I see, you were angry with your shot and cursed." "

No father, I didn't curse at that time. My buddy's next shot reached the green, my next
shot went into the sand."

The father chuckles and says, "Well, one can see why you were angry then. Is this when you took the Lord's name in vain?"

"Not then father. My shot from the sand landed 2 inches from the cup. So close!"

The priest says, "Oh my. I see why you were so angry. So that's when you started cursing?"

"No, father, not then."

There was a moment of silence, then the priest says, "You mean you missed that God Damn putt?"

October 19, 2004

Florida Woman

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

The owner of a golf course here in Florida was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Florida and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought for a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

(You gotta love these Florida women!!! - The Dude)
 

October 20, 2004

Three Buttons

(Contributed by Cheryl Masterson)

A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but found it to be occupied.

The stewardess noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and had a look of pain and anxiety on his face. “Sir,” she said, “The ladies’ restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”

He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by the letters: “WW”, “WA”, and “PP”, and there was one red button labeled “ATR.”

Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn’t just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the “WW” button. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him. The men’s restroom didn’t have nice things like this.

Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the “WA” button. Warm air replaced the warm water, wafting and swirling about, gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the “PP” button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies’ room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender, loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy.

He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.

”What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies’ restroom on a flight to Atlanta!”

“You pushed one too many buttons,” replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. “That last button marked “ATR” is an automatic tampon remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”
 

October 21, 2004

Lost Wife

(Contributed by Annie Shugart)

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first says to the second , "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too, and I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The  first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts.

What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Never mind; let's look for yours."
 

October 22, 2004

The Caddy Cabby

(Contributed by Buster Sutton)

A San Francisco cabby picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and the driver won't stop staring at her in the rear view mirror. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to kiss a nun."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1 You have to promise you are single and #2 You must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

"OK", the nun says, "Pull into the next alley"

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, "I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party.
 

October 23, 2004

OneStone

(Contributed by Richard Martin)

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone!

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone..."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's
cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone..."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night but,
Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?

OH, 'Come on'...take a guess!

Think about it ..
 

And the moral is ..
 

"...You can't kill two birds with one stone.

October 24, 2004

Blondes

(Contributed by Linda Tutten)

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench one evening, looking at the moon and talking.

One blonde says to the other, "What do you think is farther away........Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooooooooooooooo, can you see Florida from here?"

October 25, 2004

Jewish Wave

(Contributed by Tom Cronk)

An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what he does sexually, the wife never achieves an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and made the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

"Okay," he says to the husband, "Let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly:

"You see, you young schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel !!!

October 26, 2004

A Very Desperate Marriage

(Contributed by Marge Brantley)

A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.

But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June."

"Yes, this is June."

"Will you marry me?"

"Of course I will!  Who's this?"
 

October 27, 2004

Politics

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People.

The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him The Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now,"

The father says, "Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep shit."
 

October 28, 2004

Common Computer Viruses

(Contributed by Richard Martin)

The George Bush Virus:
 Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus:
Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.

The Ronald Reagan Virus:
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The Clinton Virus:
Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus:
Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus:
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus:
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus:
Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus:
Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus:
Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB,  then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus:
Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus:
Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Michael Jackson Virus:
Only attacks minor files

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus:
Cuts the size of your hard drive in half then discards it through Windows

October 29, 2004

Trick or Treat

(Contributed by Cecilia Johnson)

A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, Well, you two are awful cute. Who are you supposed to be?"

"We're Jack and Jill" she replied.

The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!"

So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently. They ring the door bell and once again and the man opens the door.

"Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?"

"We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy.

"Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black!"

Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door there stand the two children but this time they are BUCK NAKED.

"Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!" he asks.

"Chocolate M & M's," said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's got nuts."
 

October 30, 2004

Election Humor

(Contributed by Shaun Szarnkcki)

A powerful Senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the guy. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening attire They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the Senator answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck. "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is, a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...Today you voted for us!"

VOTE WISELY THIS COMING ELECTION!!
 

October 31, 2004

Ghosts

(Contributed by Jim Clark)

A professor at the University of Alabama was giving a lecture on the Supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asked, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raised their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?

About 40 students raised their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.

Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

15 students raised their hands.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raised their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one more question ... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Billy Bob, way in the back raised his hand.

The professor took off his glasses, peers toward the back of the room and says, "Son, in all the years I've been teaching this class, no one has claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and made his way to the podium. As he reached the front of the room, the professor said, "Well, now, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Billy Bob replied, "Shhhiiiiiittt! From way back thar I thought You said, "Goats"!!