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October 2005

October 1, 2005

The Picnic

(Contributed by Bob Bluhm)

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the Vilano Beach's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

October 2, 2005

The Ambitious Florida Blonde

(Contributed by Helen Blevins)

What was the blonde Flagler College student doing at the harbor?

Looking for an internship.

October 3, 2005

Moishe Glickman

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Moishe."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Moishe Glickman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something, huh?"

Cabbie: "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember very body's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy ehh?

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them"

Passenger" Mmm, not many like that around"

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Moishe."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his widow."

October 4, 2005

Bad Math

(Contributed by Marsha Mitchell)

Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him,

"What is three times seven?"

"22," Rick replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."
 

October 5, 2005

Why The Blinds Are Drawn

(Contributed by Bob Johnson)

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, “Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?”

“There’s a big fire across the street,” the doctor replied. “We didn’t want you to think the operation was a failure.”
 

October 6, 2005

Jack's Telephone Number

(Contributed by Rick Hagan)

Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".

Blonde Caller: "On page 1, section 5 of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
 

October 7, 2005

Offending Offer

(Contributed by Tom Cronk)

At the end of a tiny deserted bar in downtown Atlanta sat a huge black man. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the large man.

Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

At this, this massive man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the shit out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool.  He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the man, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the black man replied. "Something about a job."
 

October 8, 2005

Not Older...Just Better

(Contributed by Henry Costello)

For his wife's birthday, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:

"You are not getting older, You are getting better."

When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."

It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
 

October 9, 2005

Makin' Whopee

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Amanpreet from Iraq was bragging that in HIS country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love.

Ray, an American, listened patiently. "That's amazing. Where I come from there's really only one."

"Oh," sniffed Amanpreet, "just one? And which way is that?"

"Well, there's a man and there's a woman . . . "

"Praise Allah!!!" Amanpreet exclaims, "Number 80!!!"

October 10, 2005

Please Stand Up

(Contributed by The Dude)

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"

After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

"Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.

The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

October 11, 2005

Auctions And Golf

(Contributed by Bob Wagner)

A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; his hobby was golf.

The other night, as they slept, the golfer yelled, "Fore!"

His wife yelled back, "Four and a quarter !"
 

October 12, 2005

Bartender Help

(Contributed by Bonnie North)

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.

He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?"

The bartender quickly replies, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."
 

October 13, 2005

I Could Make People Happy

(Contributed by Jim Cook)

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One. The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. I could throw the three of them out the window and make 56 million people really happy."
 

October 14, 2005

Two Rules For Life

(Contributed by Ed Abbot - A Great Satellite Engineer)

October 15, 2005

Bubba and the Gator

(Contributed by Annie Shugart)

A filthy rich man in Florida decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Bubba, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who is brave enough to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Bubba in the pool!

Bubba was fighting the gator and kicking its hide! Bubba was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Bubba and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Bubba strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Bubba then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Bubba, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Bubba.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Bubba.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Bubba said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Bubba, then what do you want?"

Bubba said, "I want the name of the SOB who pushed me in the pool.

October 16, 2005

Stay

(Contributed by The Florida Dudette)

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said,

"Why don't you just put it in park?"
 

October 17, 2005

Bear Removal

(Contributed by Tom Cronk)

One morning, a man wakes up in his home in the Smoky Mountains to find there is a bear on his roof. He looks in the yellow pages and, sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers". He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.

The bear remover answers, "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof. I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. Then, the bear will be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

Next, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?", asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the damn dog."
 

October 18, 2005

College Football Is Back........

(Contributed by Jack Jackson)

(1) What does the average Wahoo player get on his SATs?

.........Drool.

(2) What do you get when you put 32 West Virginia cheerleaders in one room?

..........A full set of teeth.

(3) How do you get a Terp cheerleader into your dorm room?

.........Grease her hips and push.

(4) Ho! w do you get a Florida State graduate off your porch?

..........Pay him for the pizza.

(5) How do you know if a Tarheel football player has a girlfriend?

.........There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup.

(6) Why is the Wake football team like a possum?

.....Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

(7) What are the longest three years of a Miami football player's life?

..........His freshman year.

(8) How many BC freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?

..........None. That's a sophomore course.

(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?

......... Durham, North Carolina . He knew that the police would never look at Duke for a Heisman Trophy winner.

(10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?

.........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

 

October 19, 2005

Who Does What

(Contributed by  SFC Woody Shugart)

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"
 

October 20, 2005

Secret Government Project Revealed

(Contributed by Bill Battison)

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Alabama was different, where 96.4 percent of the final words were -
"Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

October 21, 2005

The Hypnotist

(Contributed by Shaun Szarnicki)

It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the
watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Crap!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.
 

October 22, 2005

Never Question A Drunk

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,

A carton of eggs,

A quart of orange juice,

A head of romaine lettuce,

A 2 lb. can of coffee,

And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled but intrigued by his intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct.

But how did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."
 

October 23, 2005

The Cab Ride

(Contributed by Robert Murray)

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you"

She answers," My son, you cannot offend me When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that, number 1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

October 24, 2005

Old Ed

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

87 year old Ed is sitting at the bar of his local Senior Citizens Dance Club when in walks Mary. "What a beauty," he says to himself.

Then he can't believe his luck when she walks over and starts chatting to him. It was love at first site for both of them. After dating for only a few weeks, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, they consummate their marriage with a long and passionate sexy romp. As soon as it ends, Mary notices that Ed is very quiet and still. She then realizes that her new husband has died just as he reached his climax.

At Ed's funeral, one of Mary's friends comes over to her and says, "I was so shocked to hear the news, Mary. Whatever happened?"

"Nothing much," Mary replies, "he came and he went."

October 25, 2005

Wish Granted

(Contributed by Andy Carson)

A couple had been married for 35 years, and the pair was also celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.

The wife said she wanted to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her magic wand and BOOM! The wife had the tickets in her hand.

Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said boldly, "Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years younger than I."

The fairy godmother picked up her wand and BOOM! He was now 90.
 

October 26, 2005

Sunday Flying

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.

Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus, But who is the fourth person?"

"Oh, that's Pontius- the pilot."

October 27, 2005

Sad News

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

October 28, 2005

Two Words

(Contributed by Andy Bronson)

The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head's office. He's a friendly guy and, on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations.

While I was in his office, I asked him, "Sir, what is the secret of your success?"

He said, "Two words."

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"But how do you make right decisions?"

"One word," he responded.

"And, Sir, what is that?"

"Experience."

"And how do you get experience?"

"Two words."

"And, Sir what are they?"

"Wrong decisions."
 

October 29, 2005

Fascinate

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

A grade school teacher in Knoxville, Tennessee asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not fascinating."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to Graceland and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not fascinated."

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Little Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a shirt with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

October 30, 2005

Can You Dig It

(Contributed by Shaun Szarnicki)

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

October 31, 2005

Secret of My Success

(Contributed by Sandra Underwood)

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."