A Horse, A Chicken & the Harley

(Contributed by Robert Murray)

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks
 

The Clone

(Contributed by The Florida Dude)

Not too long ago a scientist tried to clone himself. However, his clone was very obnoxious and lewd, while the scientist was well received and respected.

Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw his clone off the roof of the laboratory; killing the clone.

He was arrested by the local police for... making an obscene clone fall.
 

Blonde & The Cell Phone

(Contributed by Deborah Hassinger)

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it's her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
 

Wrong Diagnosis

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you think." One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

 The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong.

So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"

The old man said: "I thought it was GAS........... but I was wrong !
 

(Contributed by Harvey Christopher)

Every newspaper in New York sent a reporter and a staff photographer to the office of a local ophthalmologist when it was learned that he recently performed a successful sight-saving operation on the wife of the country's most celebrated mural artist, who, in addition to paying the doctor's usual fee, had gratefully insisted on painting one of his contemporary masterpieces across an entire wall of the doctor's waiting room.

The mural turned out to be an immense multicolored picture of a human eye, in the center of which stood a perfect miniature likeness of the good doctor himself.

While cameras clicked and most of the newsmen crowded around the famous artist for his comments, one cub reporter drew the eye specialist aside and asked:

"Tell me, if you can, Doctor-what was your first reaction on seeing this fantastic artistic achievement covering an entire wall of your office?"

"To tell the truth," the physician replied, "my first thought was, thank goodness I'm not a hemorrhoid specialist!"

A Proven New Yorker

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement.

"Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" he asked the man.

"I'm a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof."

"Yes, go on," said the astounded judge.

"Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out my forms for another card. And got back in line for my card."

"And?" said the judge.

"And he asked 'Can you prove you're from New York City?' ....So I stabbed him."

Getting Even

(Contributed by Jack Shuler)

One Florida summer day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat." The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my
husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
 

Getting Even

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.

"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

Fishing Trip

(Contributed by Tom Cronk)

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, so they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex?"

And she said, "Wear sun-block."

From The Mouth of Babes

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

Little Davie's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Davie asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
 

Why Parents Drink

(Contributed by Annie Shugart)

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered "Hello".

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:

"ME!"
 

Remember Back In 1961 ?

(Contributed by Buck Mahan)

It's the summer of 1961 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in.

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says. That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later,
Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids,"
with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:

"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"
 

New Innovation

(Contributed by Jack Shuler)

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

It's Time

(Contributed by Chris Bell)

An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce. "A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?"

"I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.

"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"

"My husband is eighty-seven."

"My, my," said the lawyer, "and how long have you been married?"

"Next September will be sixty-two years."

"Married sixty-two years?! Why would you want a divorce now?"

"Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough."
 

God Knows

(Contributed by Cecil Melnor)

Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.

One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup."

The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make. God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who counts."

The first deacon countered, "But God won't tell my wife."
 

Wrong Answer

(Contributed by Betty Blackburn)

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it as still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat the s-h-i-t out of him died at the scene.
 

Redneck Dilemma

(Contributed by The Florida Dude)

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder....

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.
 

Grandpa

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

All last year, Grandpa Johnson received a $500.00 check in the mail every month and naturally, he just cashed them ..
thinking nothing about it. But, as it turns out, an insurance company had made a mistake with the address and sent them to the wrong location.

The checks were actually intended for another Edwin Johnson, and so, as one might expect, Grandpa received notice to pay back the $6,000.00.

Seriously upset, he complained to his grandson, an accountant.

His grandson asked, "Grandpa, didn't you wonder why you were receiving checks for doing absolutely nothing?"

Grandpa said, "Nope, I jist figgered the Democrats wuz back in office."
 

Kids Today

(Contributed by Eddie McNutt)

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half- owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
 

The Interview

(Contributed by Beth Hamilton)

Martin was being interviewed for a new job. The person conducting the interview wanted to find out something about his personality, so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

Without hesitation, Martin responded, "The living one, of course!"
 

Halloween humor

(Contributed by Bob Bluhm)

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg,
you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next week he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a
caramel apple.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.
 

Apple Time

(Contributed by Jack Shuler)

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
 

Hard To Find

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder:

Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out", and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed; and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it would take me to find a LAWYER?"
 

Pa Won't Like It

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagon of corn on the road. A nearby farmer saw the accident and went over to have a look and found the boy trying to right the tipped wagon.

"Hey Willie," the farmer said. "Forget your troubles for a spell....its late, come have dinner with us. I'll help you with that wagon after we eat."

"That's mighty nice of you, but Pa won't like that," Willie replied.

"Aw, come on son. Take a break," the farmer insisted.

"Well, okay," the boy finally agreed. "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty meal, Willie thanked the farmer. "I feel a lot better now, but I just know that Pa will be upset."

"Nonsense," the farmer said. "Where is your pa anyway?"

"Under the wagon."

Cab Ride

(Contributed by Betty Blackburn)

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there is nothing you could say or ask that I
would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: Number one, you have to be single and number two, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and I'm Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says, "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Methodist."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Bruce and I'm going to a Halloween party."
 

Answer Machine Message

(Contributed by Shaun Szarnicki)

"GOOD MORNING !!

WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA"

Press "1" for English, or press "2" to disconnect until you have learned to speak English.
 

The Fortune Teller

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

In a dark and gloomy room, the fortune teller was startled by what she saw in her crystal ball.

She looked up at her customer, sitting across the table.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a
violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at
her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: "Will I get away with it?"
 

The Fable

(Contributed by Annie Shugart)

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it. All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night, while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out of the window. the next morning when the boy woke, he saw the golden screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt
his navel, and there was no screw there! Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, but in seconds, his butt fell off.

The moral to this is, "Don't screw around with things you don't understand or you'll lose your ass."
 

Welfare In Mexico

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Q - When you apply for Welfare in Mexico what does the Government give you?

A - A map to the United States

Lights Out

(Contributed by Bob Bluhm)

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

" You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?"
 

Halloween One-Liners

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

What do you get if you cross a ghost and Bambi?
Bamboo

What do you call a witch that loves the beach?
A sand witch

What do you get if you cross Dracula and a snowman?
Frostbite

What happened to the guy who didn't pay the exorcist?
He got repossessed

What do you call a ghoul with a broken leg?
A hoblin' goblin

Which monster loves dance music?
The boogieman

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.

And did you hear about the ghost photographer?
The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.