Well Trained

October 2, 2007

Bubba And The Psychiatrist

(Contributed by Roy Bauch)

Bubba went to a psychiatrist.  "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now !!!"

October 3, 2007

Please Don't Tell Me

(Contributed by Kerry Pardue)

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees...

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

October 4, 2007

I Thought You Were My Wife

(Contributed by Ronnie Wagner)

A serious drunk walked into Arnolds Lounge on US-1 and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her too."

October 5, 2007

Nebraska Farmer

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

A Nebraska farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door A young boy about 9 opened the door.

"Is yer Dad home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "is yer Mom here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or may be I could take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

October 6, 2007

Good Doggie

(Contributed by Harold White)

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

"My wife," the man replied.

"I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"

"My dog bit her and she died."

Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."

Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"

To which the man replied, "Get in line."

October 7, 2007

Football FINALLY Makes Sense

(Contributed by Colin Daniel)

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback!  Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

October 8, 2007

His Great Relief

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Little Marty came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "Of course not."

Little Marty then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

October 9, 2007

Three Old Ladies

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilley were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tilley, being older and more feeble... couldn't reach that far.

October 10, 2007

50-50 Partners

(Contributed by Hubert Fry)

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half- owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

October 11, 2007

Dying Priest

(Contributed by Jack Shuler)

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near. "Yes, Father?" said the nurse. "I would really like to see Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton before I die." whispered the priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse. The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived. Kennedy and Clinton would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Hillary commented to Kennedy "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images." Kennedy couldn't help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Kennedy's hand in his right hand and Hillary's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face. Finally Senator Kennedy spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?" The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen" said Kennedy

"Amen" said Hillary.

The old priest continued..."He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

October 12, 2007

Gotcha Baby

(Contributed by Anne Shugart)

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker... "It's not talcum powder...... It's 'Miracle Grow'."

October 13, 2007

Trying To Win A Nobel Prize

(Contributed by The Florida Dude)

A man is driving down a Florida country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The Florida farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

October 14, 2007

Who Is In Charge

(Contributed by Jerry Clarkson)

Bill and Hilary were driving through Little Rock, and when they passed by a gas station a big man yelled 'Hi Hilary' and Hilary said 'Hi Bubba'.

Bill asked 'who was that?'

Hilary told him it was a old high school boyfriend.

Bill said, 'See if you married him, you would be married to a gas station attendant, but you married me, now you're the former first lady.'

And Hilary told him, 'If I married him he would be the former President, and you would be the gas station attendant.'

October 15, 2007

Trip To The Zoo

(Contributed by Richard Martin)

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink Dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her Straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely c razy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell HIM you have a headache."

October 16, 2007

The Dorm Rules

(Contributed by Nancy Carmichael)

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

October 17, 2007

Moshe Plotnick

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners when he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moshe Plotnik's Laundry."

"Moshe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that belong in Chinatown?" He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking dry cleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moshe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."

The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.

The tourist asked, "Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moshe Plotnik's Laundry'?"

The old man answered, "Ah...Evleebody ask me that. It name of owner."

Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here?"

"It me," replies the old man.

"Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Moshe Plotnik?"

"Is simple," said the old man. "Many, many year ago I come to this country. I standing in line at 'Documentation Center of Immigration.' Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland. Lady at counter look at him and say, "What your name?" He say, "Moshe Plotnik."

Then she look at me and say, "What's your name?"

I say, "Sam Ting."

October 18, 2007

Last Request

(Contributed by Sarah Madison)

Two convicted murderers, who were sentenced to die by lethal injection on the same day, were led to the room where they would meet their Maker. The last rites were performed by the priest, the formal speech was given by the warden and the final prayers were said by the participants. Turning to the first man to die, the warden solemnly asked, "Son, do you have any last request?"

"Yes sir, I do," replied the condemned man. "I love dance music. Could you please play 'The Macarena' for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden.

He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please, I beg you," pleaded the second man. "Kill me first."

October 19, 2007

Two Lawyers

(Contributed by Jim Clark)

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.

The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

October 20, 2007

Dalmatian's Duties

(Contributed by Sharon Anderson)

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close with this comment: "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

October 21, 2007

Walter Smith

(Contributed by Robert Lindy)

A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a little clue."

The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave."

Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Whirling Walter!"

October 22, 2007

Where Are The Monkeys

(Contributed by Janet Romano)

The young lady strolled thru the National Zoo and finally paused in front of the monkey island. Mystified as to the whereabouts of the animals, she queried the keeper, "Where are all of the monkeys ?"

"They're all back in the cave Miss." he responded, "It's right in the midst of the mating season."

"I see." she replied, "Do you think they'd come out if I offered them some of these peanuts ?"

Smiling the keeper responding, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know Miss.  Would YOU?"

October 23, 2007

The Picnic

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion,
but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia baked ham. Tell me, rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said "At your wedding."

October 24, 2007

The Wristwatch

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

While in the playground with his friend, Little Marty noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.

"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Marty.

"Nope," replied Jimmy.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?"

Again Jimmy says, "Nope."

"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Marty.

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.

Little Marty was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.

That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.

His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily, "What do you want now?"

"I wanna watch," Marty replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner, but keep quiet."

October 25, 2007

Traffic Court

(Contributed by Steve Jamison)

A man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

October 26, 2007

Cowboy Whisperer

(Contributed by Tom Cronk)

A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Oklahoma Hills .

Cowboy: "Nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at the Indian)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing to the Indian)
Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: " How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me , brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie."

October 27, 2007

Who Gets Yhe Present

(Contributed by Henry Orbison)

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."

October 28, 2007

Dying For Sex

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there it was too late and the man had died.

While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."

October 29, 2007

Guilt

(Contributed by Phil Powers)

A son calls his mother. Mom how are you. Mom replies. Not too good. I haven't eaten in 38 days.

Replying with concern, the son asks "what's the matter mom, are you not feeling well, have you been to the doctor?"

Mom replies, not that, "I didn't want to have my mouth full of food when you called."

October 30, 2007

Old Friends

(Contributed by Brenda Barrenger)

Mary and Jane are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Mary is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Mary cries.

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jane.

"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

October 31, 2007

Do You Know Who I Am

(Contributed by Hillary Cochran)

President George W. Bush decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home. The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him.

Sensing this, President Bush backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?"

The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."