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Life isn’t fair for a baby. They always get the bum wrap!

If you think guests really enjoy your home movies, you are probably projecting.

If you want to make a good Hamlet, you gotta break a few legs.

I wrote a song about small, burrowing animals. I decided it was time to gopher baroque.

Everyone in the family knew that they had to join the spy agency. It was a clan destine operation.

Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?  Because he wanted his diamondback.

I decide which beer to drink on a case by case basis.

The dessert chef was very smart. He had graduated Pie Baker Kappa.

Did you hear about the new bamboo trees at the zoo? It was pandamonium out there!

A homeless person joining in a riot can basically be heard as a vague rant.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

When people first heard of the ABS, it was braking news.

I was going to buy a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn't help me

You gotta be careful of corn at night. They can be early creepy with their husky voices and seedy appearance. Why, they even cob right out and tell you to shuck it right to your face.

A horse can find it's own way to water, but a pencil has to be lead.

We were going to ship a truck load of food, but we found it just wasn't palatable.

What do you call a podium that eats people? Hannibal Lectern.

The Irish lass was disappointed with the engagement ring from her fiancé because it was a sham rock.

The math teacher was a good dancer….he had algorithm.

Have you heard about that online origami store? It folded.

If you believe restaurants always overcook steaks, then you probably order them rarely.

I dropped a tub of margarine in the kitchen and ended up with a Parkay floor.

The coffee tasted like mud because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.

One who runs in front of the car gets tired. One who runs behind gets exhausted.

The mechanic at the transmission shop seemed a little shifty.

After he ate the duck, the alligator got a little down in the mouth.

Not being able to iron out all of his problems made the dry cleaner very depressed.

Experts say the cost of funerals have risen by 50%, they blame it on the cost of living.

When the detectives on the police force observed suspects dining in the city's best restaurant, it was their favorite steak out.

When the bottom of a cargo ship got a hole, it had one hull of a problem.

If I study to become a roofing expert in the future, will I be preparing for the here rafter?

ASCII silly question, Get a silly ANSI

People who plug their computer keyboards into hi-fi systems aren't idiots. That would be stereotyping.

A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.

When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.

This just goes to prove that...the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California .

This, of course, is the origin of the expression,..."He who has a Tate's is lost!"

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire.

So we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it".

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

Archaeologists in Britain found part of an ancient door. It had a stone hinge on it.

Two podiatrists became arch rivals.

I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.

A marine biologist worked long and hard to create a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could liveforever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of gulls ran out, so he had to trek out and capture some more. On his way back, he came across two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. The game warden saw him and he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

A medical doctor moonlighted as a theatre critic. When he published a critical review of a production of Madame Butterfly, the director accused him of "opera rating without a license."

A real perverted burglar broke into a British museum and molested some of the life size statues of local politicians. He was caught and charged with statue Tory rape.

No one ever wants to babysit the naughty atom, they always have to keep an ion it.

The winter was difficult on the trees, but in the spring they were re-leafed.

The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country's leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.

This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.

A guy from Czechoslovakia was visiting his cousin, the lawyer in California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park. While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechoslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape.

He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on. Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears. So one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female.

So the other Rangers asked "why did you shoot the female? he said that the male ate his friend"

So the Ranger answers "Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech is in the male?"

The policeman pulls over a car onto the side of the road and walks over to the driver.

"Do you realize you've got two snakes attached to the front of your car?" he asks.

"It's all right," replies the driver, "they're just my windshield vipers."

Did you hear about the new line of Elvis Presley-themed steakhouses?

They will be for people who love meat tender.

The police caught a burglar last night after he broke into a bathroom window, stood on a set of scales and gave himself a weigh

I once knew a guy who was a monorail enthusiast. He seemed to have a one track mind.

The price of chess pieces was going up. I had to buy quickly, so I decided to contact my pawn broker.

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