Looking Into Their Eyes

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

Female Hormones In Beer

Last week, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men, twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

(Contributed By 'The Dude')

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary items together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.

After positioning her footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "There are no fish under the ice!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!"

The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "There are no fish under the ice!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "No, manager of this ice rink!"

September 5, 2002

Rookie Is On The Job

(Contributed By 'The Dude')

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."

A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something to spend over there."

They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

Bumper Stickers

"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."

"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"

"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"

"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

"2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."

"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "

BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

September 8, 2002

(Contributed by Robert VanDyke)

A blonde named Barbara appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and have one lifeline left. The next question will give you the million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it...

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

"Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."

Barbara: "It's a cuckoo."

Regis: "You're sure? You can walk with the $500,000 or play on for the million."

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C - Cuckoo."

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Absolutely!"

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C -Cuckoo.

Well...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping their champagne. Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

"It was so simple," Barbara replied, "Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks !"

(Contributed by Roger Bertholf)

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine
when he saw two pathetic men eating grass by the road side. He ordered
his driver to stop and he got out to investigate, and asked, "Why are you
eating grass?"

"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.

"Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.

"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here."

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.

"But how 'bout m' friend?"

The lawyer turned to the other man and said, "You come with us, too."

"But, sir, I got a wife and six kids!"

"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the poor
fellows says: "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us
with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is
almost a foot tall."

(Contributed by Deborah "Sam" Hassinger)

The Taliban and Al Quaida cannot stand nudity and consider it a
sin to see a naked woman that is not one's wife.

Next Saturday afternoon, at 2:00 p.m. EST, all North American
women are asked to walk out of their houses completely naked to
help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for
one hour is recommended for this antiterrorist effort.

All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of
their homes to prove that they think it's OK to see other women nude.

(Since the enemy does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at
your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.)

Notify the appropriate authorities of any people who do not
participate. Your efforts to root out terrorists will be greatly
appreciated and indicate your desire to demonstrate your patriotism.

Remember: Be Patriotic - Be Safe - Be Naked

(Contributed By Gerry Ducie)

Q:  Why do drummers play in bands?

A: Because they like to hang out with musicians.

Q: What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?

A: Homeless.

Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?

Me either.

Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?

A: So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

Q: Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?

A: So they can park in the handicapped spot.

Q #1: How can you make a drummer slow down?

A: You put a sheet of music in front of him

Q #2: How can you make that drummer stop?

A: Put notes on the sheet of music

Johnny says to his mom: I want to be a drummer when I grow up!

Mom: But Johnny, you can't do both.

Q: How is a drum solo like a sneeze?

A: You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.

Q: What did the professional drummer say when he got to his job?

A: "Would you like fries with that?"

(Contributed By Johnny Pirkle)

A man appears before the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit St. Peter asks."

"Well, I can think of one," the man offers.  "Once I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman.  I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker.  I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"A couple of minutes ago."

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.

One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered, "It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD."

The drunk promptly fainted.

The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded:

"I've always wanted to do that."

September 20, 2002

Special Occasion

(Contributed By Harold Benson)

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was
ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was
keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, told me that those were
for "special occasions."

Now fast forward a few months....It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are
leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had
assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the
table.

When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately
burst into laughter.

Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling.

Next came my father, who roared with laughter.

Then came Mom, who almost died of
embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a
"special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully
arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't
hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the
other adults into further fits of laughter.

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

So I called him a sheep abusing, horse humping Bozo. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes; the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

You should have seen his face when I crossed the street, got into my car, & drove away.....

(Contributed By Andre' D'Elena)

Three old ladies named Martha, Ester, and Louise were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, and opened his trench coat.

Martha immediately had a stroke.
Then Esther also had a stroke.
But Louise, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

(Contributed By Johnny Pirkle)

There was this Norwegian farmer, Oley, from Wisconsin,
and he is going to Minnesota to buy a cow at a sale. Oley
gets to Minnesota and buys the nicest looking cow there,
takes it home.

Getting ready to milk it, Oley grabs a hold of the teats,
pulls, and the cow farts. Oley thinks to himself, "Uffda,
oh what da heck," and he grabs a hold of the teats, pulls
once more and the cow farts again.

At this point, in walks his Swedish neighbor, Sven. Eyeing
Oley's new cow, Sven asks could he try milking it as it sure
looks like a good milk cow. Oley replies with a ya, and Sven
grabs a hold, pulls on the cow's teats and the cow farts. Sven
looks at Oley and says, "Ya buy dis cow in Minnesota?

Oley says,"Yah, I did, but I never told ya dat. How'd ya know I
bought da cow in Minnesota?"

Sven says, "My wife, Hilda, is from Minnesota."

This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

AMERICANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic Fleet.  We are accompanied by three Destroyers, three Cruisers, and numerous support vessels.  I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees North, that's One Five degrees North, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship

CANADIANS: This is a Lighthouse. . .Your call.

(Contributed By Johnny Pirkle)

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would make up their faces in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips against the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would do it again. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

(Contributed By 'The Dude')

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and, frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them (Bubba
Matt) suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy (Bubba Fred) whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba Matt is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow
my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence... and then a shot is heard.

Bubba Fred's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

(Contributed By Peter Romano)