September 2, 2003

Time For The Wedding

(Contributed by Brandy Underwood)

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
 

September 3, 2003

Air Force One Crashes

(Contributed by Henry Andrews)

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.  "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realize that this is the President of the United States' airplane?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."

"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."
 

September 4, 2003

Stupid Story

(Contributed by Joe Johnson)

El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries.

A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm. It sank 65 times.
 

September 5, 2003

The Wife's Birthday

(Contributed by Chan Anderson)

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

She said, "I'd love to be ten again."

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.

Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"

September 6, 2003

New Office

(Contributed by Cheryl Thomas)

A young businessman rented a beautiful office and furnished it with antiques. However, no business was coming in. Sitting there, worrying, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wanting to look busy, he picked up the phone and pretended he was negotiating a big deal. He spoke loudly about big figures and huge commitments.

Finally, he put down the phone and asked the visitor "Can I help you?"

The man said, "I've come to install the phone."
 

September 7, 2003

Men Are Like...

(Contributed by Brenda Mitchell)

Men are like Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like Bike Helmets.
They are handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like Government Bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like Parking Spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.

Men are like Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like High Heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like Curling Irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like Mini Skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
 

September 8, 2003

Just A Sensitive Guy

(Contributed by Harry Kilpatrick)

Steve, Bob and Jeff are all working on some very high scaffolding.

Suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realise they'll have to inform his wife. Bob says he's good with this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do it.

After two hours, he returns carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So, did you tell her?" Asks Jeff.

"Yep." Replies Bob.

"Hey, where did you get the six-pack?"

"She gave it to me."

"What?!" Exclaims Jeff. "You just told her that her husband died, and she gave you a six-pack?!"

"Sure. When she answered the door, I asked her whether she was Steve's widow. 'Widow?' She said. 'No, no..I'm not a widow. You must be mistaken.' So I said, 'I'll bet you a six-pack you are!'"

September 9, 2003

Death Of An Engineer

(Contributed by Roy Adams)

An engineer dies and goes to heaven. However, when St. Peter meets him at the gate he says, "Wait a second! You're in the wrong place! Beat it!"

So, the engineers goes down to Hell, and gets settled in. He soon becomes dissatisfied with conditions there, and begins to make improvements. Before long, there's running water, flush toilets, escalators, and even air conditioning! The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What! You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there. Send him up right away!"

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue!"

"Oh, yeah?" the Devil replies. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?!"
 

September 10, 2003

And People Wonder. . .

(Contributed by Gerry Jones)

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let's see now...

No beer,
No booze,
No bars,
No television,
No cheerleaders,
No baseball,
No football,
No basketball,
No hockey,
No tailgate parties,
No pork BBQ,
No hot-dogs,
No burgers,
No lobster,
No shellfish of any kind.
Rags for clothes, towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next door because he is sick and there are no doctors.
24 hour wailing from a guy in the tower.
You can't shave.
Your wife can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses, and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you it all gets better when you die.

NO MYSTERY HERE!!

September 11, 2003

Redneck Computer Term

(Contributed by Hanna Ogle)

Cache - Needed when you go to da store.
 

September 12, 2003

Enjoy Ladies.... Cringe Guys

(Contributed by J.P.)

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
*****************************************************
He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
*****************************************************
He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
******************* **********************************
He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . . I would but you're never there.
*****************************************************
On a wall in a ladies room . . . "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it . . . "I do not"
*****************************************************
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to
do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
*****************************************************
Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.
*****************************************************
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time
*****************************************************
Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
*****************************************************
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
*****************************************************
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
*****************************************************
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
*****************************************************
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
*****************************************************
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
*****************************************************
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
*****************************************************
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
*****************************************************
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.
****************************************************
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
 

September 13, 2003

Up-Lifting Invention

(Contributed by J.P.)

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of cowboys and had the shit kicked out of him.

September 14, 2003

Is That Ms Green?

(Contributed by Tammie Mason)

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month".

The Priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "My son, who is "Nookie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's and stop your sinning."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly, a gorgeous, tall woman enters. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and very short, with matching, shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy draw a long breath and then gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart directly in front of them.

The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"
 

September 15, 2003

Medication For Women

(Contributed by Gerry Jones)

D A M N I T O L: Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to eight hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N: Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, colors hair blonde and improves flirting.

D U M B E R O L: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in the enjoyment of country & western music.

F L I P I T O R: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N: Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday anniversary or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

S E X C E D R I N: More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache" syndrome.

N A G A M E N T: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it
 

September 16, 2003

Fishing Tales

(Contributed by Betty Jeffers)

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
 

September 17, 2003

Hangover Ratings

(Contributed by Gloria Franks)

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, But you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are Chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the chicken fried steak and eggs from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared You to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your makeup on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts.

Five Star Hangover, (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out inyour bed this morning. Death sounds pretty good right about now....
 

September 18, 2003

The Hole

(Contributed by Joe Johnson)

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across a big deep hole.

"Wow, that looks deep."

"Sure does! Toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait, but there is no noise.

"Jeeez. That is really deep. Here, throw one of those great big rocks down there. That should make a noise."

They pick up a couple of football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait. They wait, and wait, but again hear nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey, over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss that in, it's got to make some noise!"

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen.

Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey! You two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I've ever seen. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah," says the farmer, "that couldn't have been mine. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
 

September 19, 2003

Baby Talk

(Contributed by Bunny Henderson)

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks: "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says: "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says: "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks: "What are you here for?"

The first kid says: "A circumcision."

And the second kid says: "WHOA! Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
 

September 20, 2003

Wrong Answer

(Contributed by Clarence Collins)

Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job, and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men had only missed one of the questions on the test. All the other questions were answered correctly. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thanks to both of you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."

Murphy said, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish, I should get the job!"

The manager replied, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" asked Murphy.

The manager replied, "Simple. The American put down for question five, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
 

September 21, 2003

In What?

(Contributed by Harvey Edwards)

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry.  Before the wedding. . .they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.  They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally. . .the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of the connubial relationship: "how do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Oh. . .I like to have it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy thought for a moment. . .then asked, "Was that one word. . .or two?

September 22, 2003

One Day At A Time

(Contributed by Tom Andrews)

A business man got on an elevator in a building.  When he entered the elevator, there was a young lady already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only).

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The young lady was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possible, 'T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her once again, replied with quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The lady finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, 'T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday. . .got it?"

The man answered, "S-H-I-T, Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."

September 23, 2003

You Might Be A Redneck If ...

(Contributed by Bobbi Sue Martin)

You've ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses.

Your old car is now considered the main storage unit.

Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark.
 

September 24, 2003

Looking To Buy A Frog?

(Contributed by Sharon Palmer)

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"

"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
 

September 25, 2003

Blonde Question & Answer

(Contributed by Ken Lewis)

Q: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer?

A: There's writing on the white-out on the screen.

September 26, 2003

Mexican Is At Border

(Contributed by Larry Weaver)

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."

The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence".

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"
 

September 27, 2003

Military Instructions

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit," -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." -US Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." -USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed" -US Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -Gen. MacArthur

"Tracers work both ways." -US Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." -U. S Navy Swabbie

"If your attack is going too well, your walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." -USAF Ammo Troop
 

September 28, 2003

Christmas Tree Is Better

(Contributed by Sally Chadsworth)

Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Man:

A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.

A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
 

September 29, 2003

The Bet

(Contributed by Andre' D'Elena)

Two families move from Pakistan to America.

When they arrive, the fathers make each other a bet -- in a year's time, whichever family has become more "Americanized" will win.

A year later they meet again.

The first guy says, "My son's playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud to watch Monday night football. How about you?"

The second guy says, "Up yours, towel-head!"

September 30, 2003

Lawyer's Club

(Contributed by Carloyn Smith)