Florida Dude - Joke of the Day

A man walked into a Florida bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: "Lawyer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: Officer --"No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Lawyer -- who provided this description?"

A: Officer -- "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: Lawyer -- "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: Officer -- "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: Lawyer -- "With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: Officer -- "Yes sir, we do."

Q: Lawyer -- "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: Officer -- "Yes sir, I do."

Q: Lawyer -- "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: Officer -- "Yes sir."

Q: Lawyer -- "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: Officer -- "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

Toward the end of the service, he asked his congregation, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. As it was past lunchtime, this time about 80% held up their hands. He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones," inquired the preacher, "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The next week the lady goes back.

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blond seems to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"

The blond tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor.

She asks Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated.

Susie stands up, shuffles her feet and says, "Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed
to tell you."

Johnny, tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated."

Johnny says, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated by light."

Then she turns to Susie and says, "Susie, first of all, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, when you get married, you're in for a big disappointment."

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Hi. Now you say something.

Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!

Hi. I'm probably home; I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. Ater the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who's that man going into the barn?"

"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needs a place to stay for the night, so I said he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he's hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned, her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed
straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. We made such passionate love last
night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man who, by now, was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out, "LAID-THE-OLE-LADEE-TOO."

A woman comes back home after her appointment with the doctor and brags to her husband: "Honey, the doctor said that my breasts were absolutely perfect."

A Florida blonde finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray...God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Florida Lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the Lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and the blonde is confronted by the voice of God Himself...

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this........... Buy a ticket!!"

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats.. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign, 'TOOT' N TELL OR GO TO HELL' can't stay on the church roof."

Some of the artists from the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us aging baby boomers. They include the following:

Herman's Hermits
MRS. BROWN, YOU'VE GOT A LOVELY WALKER

The Bee Gees
HOW CAN YOU MEND A BROKEN HIP

Bobby Darin
SPLISH, SPLASH, I WAS HAVIN' A FLASH

Ringo Starr
I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM DEPENDS

Roberta Flack
THE FIRST TIME EVER I FORGOT YOUR FACE

Johnny Nash
I CAN'T SEE CLEARLY NOW

Paul Simon
FIFTY WAYS TO LOSE YOUR LIVER

Commodores
ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES TO THE BATHROOM

Marvin Gaye
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPE NUTS

Procol Harem
A WHITER SHADE OF HAIR

Leo Sayer
YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE NAPPING

The Temptations
PAPA'S GOT A KIDNEY STONE

ABBA
DENTURE QUEEN

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

8. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

9. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Doc says "It's Not Unusual."

10. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

14. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

15 . I went to a seafood disco last week...... and pulled a mussel.

16 . What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish, duuhhh!

17 . Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"

"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Tennessee. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. One is a prostitute.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

Hold on......

You're gonna love it...

A University of Florida research student decided to look into the actions of the common house fly. He put the fly in a glass chamber. . .and said, "Fly Fly," and the fly flew.

He clipped one of the fly's set of wings. . .and said, "Fly Fly," and the fly flew.

He clipped the fly's legs on one side. . .and said, "Fly Fly," and the fly flew.

He then clipped the legs on the other side. . .and said, "Fly Fly," and the fly flew.

He then clipped the fly's other set of wings. . .and said, "Fly Fly," and the fly just laid there. Again he said, "Fly Fly," and repeated ,"Fly Fly."

His conclusion was, A fly that has all of it's extremities removed. . .is deaf !

You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with the first names of Charley, Frances or Ivan

Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it any given time

You're looking at paint swatches for the plywood on your windows, to accent the house color

You think of your hall closet / safe-room as "cozy"

Your freezer in the garage now only has homemade ice in it

You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer months

You, too, haven't heard back from the insurance adjuster

You now understand what that little "2% hurricane deductible" phrase really means

You were once proud of your 16" electric chain saw

Your Street has more than 3 "NO WAKE" signs posted

You now own 5 large ice chests

You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood locations

You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy of
power company trucks come down your street - You're depressed when they don't stop

You've spent more than $20 on "Tall white kitchen bags" to make your own sand bags

You're considering upgrading your 16" to a 20" chainsaw

You know what "Bar chain oil" is

You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems reasonable

You look forward to discussions about the merits of "cubed, block and dry ice"

Gov. Jeb Bush held a special news conference in Tallahassee today to inform the people of Florida of new state symbols. The changes take effect immediately and must be implemented by all official agencies. The changes are as follows:

The Florida State Flag will now be a blue tarp...............

The license plate symbol of two oranges will be replaced by a chain saw.....

The new State song will be "Blowing in the Wind"..................

The state motto will now be..."Oh my God, Here comes another one".....

The new state beverage will be.............anything with an alcohol base.

The new State tree will be ...............any that are left standing at the end of hurricane season.

The new State Bird will be the "whipper" will.............

The new State nickname will be "State of Disaster"................

You Know You're A Redneck When. .

(Contributed by Shaun Szarnicki)

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think the "Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took there.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000.00 worth of
improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

Things To Do At Wal-Mart While Your Spouse Is Shopping

(Contributed by Gerry Jones)

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares,...and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!"

And last but not least:

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "There's no toilet paper in here".

A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and boomed, "howdy, ma'am. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N.

Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 5-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."

Well, she didn't know what else to do, so she took his ticket and showed him onto the plane.

He sat down in his seat, and turned to the fellow next to him.

"Howdy, suh. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 5-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."

The little fellow turned to him, "Well now, how d'ye do.

My name is Patrick Michael O'Donnell. I'm from Dublin, Ireland.

I'm 5-foot 3-inches tall, and I'm white from the top o' me head to the tip o' me toes, except for me asshole, which is brown. Spelled B-R-O-W-N."

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Ford Econoline ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies........." She says: "You just happened to catch my eye."

A brain walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a pint of beer please."

The barman looks at him and says "Sorry, I can't serve you."

"Why not?" asks the brain.

"You're already out of your head."

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company........So off to the pet shop she went......

She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog......As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her......

He whispered , "IM LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."

The old lady figured....WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else.

She bought the frog and put him in the car........

Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY"................

So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince.

THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK..........
AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO???????????

SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND.......

She's old.......NOT DEAD!!!!!

Where Is This Place?