Wise Grandfather

(Contributed by Rick Kiser)

A father, son and grandson go out to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches them. She explains that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency which called him away and asks the trio whether she can join them.

Naturally, the guys all agree. Smiling, the blonde thanks them and says, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."

With that the guys agree to relax and invite her to drive first. All eyes are fastened on her shapely behind as she bends to place her ball on the tee. She then takes her driver and hits the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth is agape. "That was beautiful," he said.

The blonde puts her driver away and says, "I really didn't get into it and I should have faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots (she was closest to the pin) the blonde takes out a nine iron and lofts the ball within five feet of the hole. The son says "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowns and says, "It was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt."

After the son buries a long putt for a par, dad two putts for a bogey and granddad overruns the green with his pitching wedge, chips back and putts for a double bogey, the blonde taps in the five-footer for a birdie.

The guys all congratulate her on her fine game. She puts her putter back in the bag and says, "Thanks, but I really haven't played much lately, and I'm a little rusty. Maybe I'll really get into this next drive."

Having the honors, she drives first on the second hole and knocks the hell out of the ball, and it lands nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. And for the rest of the round she continues to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they get to the 18th green, the blonde is three under par, but has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turns to the three guys and says, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumps at the thought. He strolls across the green, carefully eyes the line of the putt and finally says, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."

The father kneels down and sights the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."

The old gray haired grandfather walks over to the blonde's ball on the green, picks it up and hands it to the her. "That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?"
 

Let Him Dig

(Contributed by Tom Cronk)

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout: "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died when he was 68.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake.

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he might indeed be able to dig his way up out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.
 

Last Golf Game

(Contributed by Ben Meggitt)

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a  birdie the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first  ever hole in one when his cell phone rang.
 
It was a doctor  notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in  critical condition and in the ICU.
 
The man told the doctor to inform his  wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up  he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round  of golf. He decided to get in a couple
of more holes before heading to the  hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a  personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his  previous best game by more than 10.
 
He was jubilant, then he remembered  his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the  corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
 
The doctor glared at him  and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of  yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the  country club your wife has been
languishing in the ICU! Its just as well you  went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your  last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And  you'll be her care giver!"
 
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down  and sobbed.
 
The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding! She died more than two hours ago. What'd you  shoot?"
 

The Painting

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her portrait painted by a famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, and a ruby pendant."

"But you are not wearing any of those things."

"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry."
 

Tower vs Aircraft

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?!  I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!  You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.  Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.  Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
 

The Dowry

(Contributed by Debbie Hassinger)

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion. The true story has recently been revealed by the Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C.

When one of these women gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the
spot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States.

If not, he must take a local job providing telephone support for an American computer company.
 

Persimmons

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said. "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday."
 

SuperSex

(Contributed by Betty Blackburn)

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
 

The Grammar Lesson

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned - it will not work again for another year."

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lot ion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123." He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life-just as the medicine man had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

Old Man

(Contributed by Betty Blackburn)

Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the girls, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it figured maybe he had a cold or some such. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so Sam became worried.

Since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had past and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day Sam approached the park and lo and behold there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you???"

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail???" cried Sam!! "What in the world for???"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"

"Yeah" said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well. She had me arrested for rape and I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled guilty and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."
 

The Drunk

(Contributed by Buck Mahan)

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies. The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused,the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out..........

"Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"
 

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

Two guys are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Damn!" Says his friend. "I just joined The Elks."
 

One Question

(Contributed by Tom Cronk)

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush. They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.

President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there Is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but there are no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and Mr. Bush whispered back, "It's because it all takes place in the future."

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

(Contributed by Gerry Jones)

Ralph Nader, Al Gore, and George W. Bush went to a fitness spa for some fun. After a stimulating, healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the men's room and they found a strange-looking gent sitting at the entrance.

He said: "Welcome to the gentlemen's room. Be sure to check out our newest feature - a mirror that, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be rewarded with your wish. But, be warned: if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"

The three men quickly entered and upon finding the mirror:

Ralph Nader stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most truthful of us three." and he suddenly found the keys to a brand new Bentley in his hands.

Al Gore stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most intelligent of us three." In an instant, he was surrounded by a pile of money to fund his next presidential campaign.

Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, George W. Bush looked into the mirror and said, "I think...," and was promptly sucked into the mirror.
 

Isn't That Precious

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the California woman said "When my first child was born, my husband built me a mansion."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady. "Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?" asked the first woman.

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, " Well, isn't that precious?"
 

Red Pigeon

(Contributed by Roy Bauch)

 The mayor of Houston Texas was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Houston. The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Houston was full of pigeon poop. The people of Houston couldn't walk on the sidewalks or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to try to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. "I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me five million dollars and ask one question." The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a red pigeon. The red pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Texas sky. All the pigeons in Houston saw the red pigeon. They gathered up behind the red pigeon. The Houston pigeons followed the red pigeon as she flew eastward out of the city.

The next day the red pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and the red pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Houston of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 5 million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question.

The mayor asked: "Do you have any red Mexicans?"
 

Football ime

(Contributed by Brenda Lane)

Steve Spurrier, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded little Gamecock sticker on the window.

"This is yours for eternity," said God. "This is very special, for not everyone gets a house like this up here."

Steve felt special indeed and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a three story mansion with an Orange and White checkerboard sidewalk, 50 ft tall flagpole with an enormous Vol flag, and in every window, pictures of Power Ts on the sides of football helmets and an oil painting of Peyton Manning over the fireplace.

Steve looked at God and said, "I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I've been rated high in all papers, my school won a national championship in football, I've even beaten the Vols several times, and someday I hope to be in the Hall of Fame.

God asked, "So what do you want to know Steve?"

Well, why does Phil Fulmer get a better house than I?"

God chuckled and said, "Steve, that's not Phil's house--IT'S MINE!

Alcohol

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself:

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"

Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."

Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

Maxine: "No, they open!"

Twice

(Contributed by Robert Murray)

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."

An Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

The Texas boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

Read The Instructions

(Contributed by Bob Bluhm)

 It was a hot and humid July afternoon, when I decided to visit my girl friend, Amber. Amber may be blonde and beautiful, but sometimes she is, shall we say, lacking in other areas.

Well Amber had decided her kitchen needed repainting, and instead of hiring a professional, decided to do it herself. I thought she might appreciate a break and brought over some cold beer and some sandwiches.

When I arrived, I found Amber working hard painting the kitchen walls. But instead of wearing old clothes, she was wearing her fur coat and her ski parka.

I asked her why she was dressed that way on such a hot day.

She brought me the paint bucket and told me to read the instructions.

I did. It said, "For best results, put on two coats."
 

Don't Step on the Ducks

(Contributed by Brenda Lane)

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"

The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.

The thrid guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

The Apartment

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500. He spends the night with her but before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and
mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, and felt that the whole event was not worth the price. So instead he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following
typed note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;

1) It had never been occupied;
2) That there was plenty of heat; and
3) That it was small enough to make me feel cozy and
at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.

Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.

Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady!!!
 

The Winning Lottery Number

(Contributed by Ed Abbot)

Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.

"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and
see if the good Lord sends you a message."

Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from the Lord.

Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her butt began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her butt as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking the Lord, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost.

The winning number was 707....
 

Redneck Murder

(Contributed by The Florida Dude)

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder...

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.
 

Putt

(Contributed by Charles Alfred)

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.

"Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.

"'Putt' is correct," he replied.

"'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a klutzy but unsuccessful attempt to do the same thing."
 

Retirement Bonus

(Contributed by Bob Bluhm)

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."
 

Make Up Your Mind

(Contributed by Robert Murray)

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

The Cell Phone

(Contributed by Jack Shuler)

We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.

"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuuuuusssseee me."

By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"

"No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The message 'TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE' just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car!"

Just Kidding

(Contributed by Buck Mahan)

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he scored his first hole in one, when his cell phone rang. It was his doctor notifying him his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was, and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best round of golf ever.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading for the hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant, and then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf, didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself. While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club, your wife had been languishing in the ICU. It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last. For the rest of your life she will require `round he clock care`, and you'll be the care giver.”

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The Doctor started to snicker and said, " just kidding, she died two hours ago... what did you shoot?"
 

Three Old Guys

(Contributed by Deborah Hassinger)

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee &most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70 year old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day & nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80 year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60 year old said,

"You pee every morning at 6:00 &crap every morning at 6:30., so what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."