(Contributed by Perry Woods)

One morning a man comes into church on crutches.

He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?"

"Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."

Modern Math

(Contributed by The Florida Dude)

The math teacher saw that little Marty wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Marty! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Marty quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"

Calling the Vet

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

A woman calls a veterinarian at 1 in the morning, frantic that her pooch has been carrying on with another dog. They are now stuck together in the yard and she wants to get them apart.

The vet, sounding a little irritated asks, "Did you try warm water?" "Yes" said the woman, "it didn't work."

"Did you try banging pots and pans together, make a lot of noise to frighten Them apart?"

"No, but I'll try that right now, hold the line!"

A few minutes later she gets back on the phone "No, that didn't work either!"

The vet then says, "Ok, try this, after you hang up, put your phone in the window so the dogs can hear it.. Then get on your cell phone and dial your number."

"Do you really think the ringing of my home phone will get them apart??"

"Well, it worked with me and my wife when you called!"

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

During a recent trip, a very nervous flyer was on a flight from California to Indiana. It didn't help that his connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems.

Then, after he was aloft, he noticed the cabin lights were flickering. Losing his peace of mind, he decided to mention this to a flight attendant.

"I'll take care of it," she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off all the lights.

A passenger across the aisle who had been watching the nervous flyer leaned over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't mention the engine noise."

(Contributed by Ellen Butler)

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million Dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.

And, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are just so much smarter than men.

Survival Techniques

(Contributed by Steve DeMotto)

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

Extra Money

(Contributed by Sgt Chuck Bush)

This blonde girl needed some money, so she is doing odd-jobs around her neighborhood. She decides she's not making enough money, so she goes to a rich neighborhood. She walks up to this house and rings the doorbell. The guy answers and tells her she can paint the porch. He gives her a can of paint and $25.

When he goes inside, his wife says, "$25! Does she know that the porch wraps all the way around the house?"

"Oh, she'll do fine." the guy says.

An hour later, the doorbell rings. It's the blonde. She says, "I'm finished. I even had some extra paint, so I put another coat on."

The guy is surprised. Then the girl says, "Oh, and by the way, that's not a Porsche, that's a Ferrari."

Kings Birthday

(Contributed by Alice Thompson)

Many years ago, in the south pacific, there was a small island kingdom that was ruled by a kind and benevolent King. Each year, on the King's birthday, the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their love and respect for him.

And each year, the King would put last years gift up in the attic of his small grass house. After many years of ruling the island, the weight of the large number of birthday presents stored up in the attic became too heavy and caused the house to collapse down on the King.

Moral to the story is: He who lives in grass house, shouldn't stow thrones.

Let Him Dig

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..

Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, ask ed, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......"

Learning By Example

(Contributed by Peggy Arnold)

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means."

"I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the lawn mower won't start."

Magic Beer

(Contributed by Cecilia Johnson)

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really good-looking guy sitting at the bar by himself.

She goes over and asks him what he is d rinking.

"Magic Beer," he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you."

He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window. She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

Giving Thanks

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

In the prime of her career, a world famous painter started to lose her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall.

When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art -- the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"

The eye doctor responded, "I said to myself, 'Thank God I'm not a gynecologist!'"

Woodpeckers

(Contributed by Kerry Pardue)

A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaii woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely impeccable (a term woodpeckers like to use).

The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge. After flying to California , the Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Californian tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion...

Your pecker is always harder when you're away from hom.

Now Listen Here

(Contributed by Colin Daniel)

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, . . .

'Listen up, buddy I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean ... it just doesn't matter to me. I just love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded - - - 'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?'

Jose And Carlos

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Jose and Carlos are pandhandlers......

They panhandle on different areas of town.

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.  Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?".

Jose says, .... "Look at your sign, what does it say"?

Carlos sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'."

Jose says " No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars"

Carlos says... "So what does your sign say"?

Jose shows Carlos his sign...... It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico".

(Contributed by Betty Blackburn)

Beth and Claude, both 91, lived in The Villages, in Florida.  They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Beth out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at Claude's place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Beth soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts...

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose.

What Would You Like To Hear

(Contributed by Gene Beaverton)

3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to an orientation in Heaven.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!!'"

Gimme All Your Money

(Contributed by Brenda Amotto)

A man was walking down a street in Tallahassee, FL. A man walking behind him suddenly pulled out a gun and said, "Gimme all your money, now!"

The victim said, "You can't do this to me! I'm a Congressman!"

The robber thought for a moment, then said, "In that case, gimme all of MY money!"

Good News and Bad News

(Contributed by Dick Wright)

A doctor enters into a patient's room and informs the patient that he has good news and bad news. He then asks the patient which news he would like to hear.

The patient responds, "Doctor, give me the good news."

The doctor says, "Well we are gonna name a disease after you."

A Close Shave

(Contributed by Alan Clark)

A man enters a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

No Last Name

(Contributed by Betty Blackburn)

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,

so he asks the biker his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me." I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD." "After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS." "Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD." "Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Quiet

(Contributed by Bruce Johnson)

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said "Stay here and be very quiet. I'll be across the field." A little while later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son asking, "What's wrong? I told you to be quiet."

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I panicked..."

Remove The Curse

(Contributed by Jerry Hinderlight)

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife".

E.T.'s Eyes

(Contributed by Sandi Minnelli)

Why are E.T.s eyes so big?

Because he saw the phone bill.

The Baptist Dog

(Contributed by Kerry Pardue)


A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted.

The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. "Fetch the Bible," he commanded.

The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner.

"Now find Psalm 23," he commanded.

The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw.

The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.

That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed.

One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"

"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied.

He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl.

The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's Pentecostal!"

(Contributed by Judy Mophit)

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"

With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.

"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."

The Harley Guy

(Contributed by Gerry Jones)

A Harley guy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "a state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The guy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

"The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The guy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

(Contributed by Perry Woods)

Two beggars were sitting several feet from each other on a busy street in Rome. One had a crucifix in front of him; the other, the Star of David.

Many people walked by and looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar with the crucifix.

A priest came along and watched as throngs of people only gave money to the beggar with the cross. After a while he walked over to the beggar with the Star of David and said, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. This city is the seat of Catholicism. People here aren't going to give you money when you sit there with a symbol of Judaism, especially when there's someone right over there who is displaying a crucifix. In fact, they're probably so offended by you that they're giving to him out of spite."

The beggar listened politely to the priest, then turned to the beggar with the cross and said, "Hey Moishe, look who wants to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

(Contributed by Ben Meggit)

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.  A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water.  If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a
pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

Cute Little Vase

(Contributed by Harry Jordan)

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle.

He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He turns beet red in horror and goes, "Geez, oh . . . I . . ."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."