Florida Dude - Joke of the Day

September 3, 2011

Two Bachelors

Contributed by Peter Bennett

Two bachelors, Larry and Frank were out to dinner. The conversation drifted from office, sports to politics and then to cooking.

“I got a cook book once” said Larry. “But I couldn’t do anything with it.”

“Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank.

“You said it, Larry replied, nodding. “Every one of those recipes began the same way: “Take a clean plate…”

September 4, 2011

Cut Of Meat

Contributed by John & Tanya Smith

A lady was shopping for meat came into a Butcher Shop in Knoxville, TN. and before making her selection, she looked around the store at all the different cuts of meat that was available. After a short period of time, she called over the butcher and asked, why do they call this cut of meat a Rump Roast?

The butcher looked at the lady and said, we couldn't sell any, if we called it a Butt-Hole Brisket.

September 5, 2011

Dr.'s Appointment

Contributed by Bruce "Big" Bigley

When my doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day.

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake."

Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoorsman!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer."

September 6, 2011

...and The Fight Started

Contributed by Steven Johnson

A couple had been married for several years, the wife tells the husband she wants to go somewhere she has never been before.

He said OK, took her by the hand, and walked her in the kitchen.

September 7, 2011

My New Job

Contributed by Joe Driscoll

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday minding my own business, waiting for it to turn green. A carload of young, loud Muslims shouting anti-American slogans stopped next to me. The light changed, the Muslims shook their fists, hit the gas and darted off ahead of me.

Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man, that could have been me!"

So, today bright and early, I went out and got me a job as a truck driver...

September 8, 2011

The Italian Virginity Test

Contributed by Perry Woods

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know, use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit – two small paint brushes,a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Mario asks, "And what do I do with these things, doc?"

The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.

If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen!', ..........you hit her with the shovel."

September 9, 2011

The Friar Florist

Contributed by The Florida Dude

The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

September 10, 2011

The Fight

Contributed by Arnold Ferguson

Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”

“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”

“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”

September 11, 2011

9/11 Warning for Southern Florida

Contributed by John Roderick

In the wake of Bin Laden's death, Radical Muslims are planning to go on a rampage on 9/11 in Southern Florida, killing anyone who is a legal US citizen.

State police fear the death toll could be as high as 23.

September 12, 2011

So Right

Contributed by Dale Summers

Doctor, you were right when you said you’d have me on my feet and walking in no time.

That’s good John; when did you start walking?

When I got your bill doctor, I had to sell my car to pay it.

September 13, 2011

The Prognosis

Contributed by Carl Weaver

Doctor: I’m sorry to have to tell you that you may have rabies, and it could prove fatal.

Patient: Well, doctor, please give me pencil and paper.

Doctor: To make your will?

Patient: No, to make a list of people I want to bite.

September 14, 2011

Change of Heart

Contributed by Darlene Bearden

A wide-eyed little girl, attending her first wedding, did not miss a single detail.

Afterward she asked her mother: "Did the lady change her mind? She went up the aisle with one man and came back with a different one!"

September 15, 2011

Pig Pun

Contributed by Gloria Sartin

It was discovered this morning, at a pig farm in Elton, FL… that one of their prized pigs committed Sooey-Cide, with the help of Dr. Keporkian.

September 16, 2011

What I Did Yesterday

Contributed by Dan Pressly

When my doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day:

"No," I replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer."

September 17, 2011

Wedding

Contributed by The Florida Dude

Did you hear about the two radio antennas that got married?

The wedding was terrible, but the reception was excellent!

September 18, 2011

The Economy

Contributed by Boo Baron

The economy is so bad, women are making love to their husbands again, because they can’t afford batteries for their vibrators.

September 19, 2011

Places I Have Been

Contributed by Bruce Bigley

I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. I don't know exactly where Cahoots is, but apparently, you can't live in Cahoots alone. You always have to be in Cahoots with someone else.

I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport though, you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends and family.

September 20, 2011

Phoney Call

Contributed by Guy Bonito

Vicky was at a out-of-town business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. Her six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, “We have Vicky on the line. Will you accept the charges?”

Frantic, the six-year-old dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, “Dad! They have Mom! And they want money!”

September 21, 2011

Sell My Stuff

Contributed by Aaron Ray

One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff."

She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

September 22, 2011

Doggone Truth

Contributed by John McDougal

A nursery school driver was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.

‘They use him to keep crowds back,’ said Tommy.

‘No,’ said Billy, ‘he’s just for good luck.’

Peter brought the argument to a close. ‘They use the dogs, he said firmly, to find the fire hydrants….'

September 23, 2011

Check Your Mail

Contributed by Mark Stewart

Today I received my 2011 Obama Social Security Stimulus Package.

It contained two watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, a prayer rug, a machine to blow smoke up your ass and 10 coupons to KFC.

The directions were in Spanish.

September 24, 2011

The Truck Driver, The Priest, and The Lawyer

Contributed by Perry Woods

A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud", and then he would swerve back on the road.

As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.

"I'll give you a lift."

The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors.

When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer."

The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."

September 25, 2011

Beer & Lawn

Contributed by Rodger Smith

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my Lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my can of Miller High Life, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied,

"I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

September 26, 2011

Graduates

Contributed by The Florida Dude

Q. Why do University of Alabama graduates hang their diplomas from their rear view mirror?

A. So they can use handicapped parking.

September 27, 2011

Morning Coffee

Contributed by Joe Driscoll

One morning, a grandmother was surprised to find that her 7-year-old grandson had made her coffee! Smiling, she choked down the worst cup of her life. When she finished, she found three little green Army men at the bottom. Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these Army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson answered, "Like it says on TV, Grandma. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in you're cup"...

September 28, 2011

Pulpit Time

Contributed by Roy Bauch

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.

The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.

The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.

The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.

But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

September 29, 2011

Proper Identification Required

Contributed by C. B. Hinson

President Obama walks into the Bank of America and says to a cashier, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?

Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?

Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States .”

Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the Government regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Obama:
"Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier:
"I am sorry, but these are government and bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama:
"I am urging you please to cash this check."

Cashier:
"Look, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank lobby into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and we cashed his check."
"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and served an ace shot directly into the center of our bank logo 90 feet away. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that it is you?"

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally replied:

"Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."

Cashier:

"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

September 30, 2011

The Doctor & The Mechanic

Contributed by Perry Woods

A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley-Davidson when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?' The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I make $39,675 a year and you make so much more when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic...

'Try doing it with the engine running'.

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